I'm making myself take a little time to write today. Things have been so busy lately. My business is growing in leaps and bounds and is far more successful than I ever thought it would be. I am so blessed by all of the support around me that makes it possible - my darling husband, fabulous family, amazing friends, super customers, and doors that just keep opening. Most of the time I feel so incredibly happy. And busy enough to keep me from thinking too much about the fact that it's been two years since John and I started trying to get pregnant.
I haven't looked at my weblog in so long that I'm not even sure when I last posted. I've been doing a lot of journaling lately, but most of it has felt to private to post. I have to chuckle as I type that because my life, particularly around our fertility issues, has pretty much become an open book. Still, there are some things that I hold back - for various reasons.
A lot has changed for us on the fertility front recently. I did write about our post-coital test and my ph issues and the home brew. John and I both took a round of doxycycline at the start of my cycle and I went in for another post-coital test (minus the home brew). This time, things looked good on my end. BUT, John's sperm count was really low. The doctor recommended that we proceed with insemination. We almost did it this cycle, but decided at the last minute to hold off. I'm currently 12 dpo - and probably not pregnant. Right now, our plan is to have a formal sperm analysis done before moving to insemination. It just seems strange to me that his count was so high last time and so low this time. Several of you commented previously on how unreliable the post-coital test is, so we think it best to get some additional information.
So, as far as the facts go, that's where we stand.
And then there's all of the emotions that I've been swimming through lately. For starters, I've really felt like I was pregnant for the past two cycles. By 12 dpo, I'm pretty sure that this cycle is a bust. Lately, when I have written, I've mentioned the emotional distance I've felt from this situation as of late. Recently, however, a few things have triggered some pretty strong emotional reactions. Here's a sampling:
- Raw anger at the woman who sits across from me at the market on Saturdays selling her jewelry and chain smoking the whole entire day. I promise this is not some market competition thing. Really. It disgusts me to see her with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth the whole day. I try to ignore it, to not judge her - but I haven't had much luck. It just seems so unfair. (edited to add that the smoking woman is 7 months pregnant).
- A dear friend, who has also struggled with infertility, recently was blessed with a son. They named him Jack. I haven't been able to visit them yet, and I got serious twinges of jealousy when I received the email announcing his birth. You see, John and I have pretty much almost decided to name a son Jack after his father.
- Feeling frantic when my sister-in-law told me that they're starting to plan for a family. Please don't get me wrong here - they are going to make FANTASTIC parents and I'll love being an aunt to their little one(s), but this little voice started in my head started begging the Universe, "Please let us get pregnant first. We've been trying for two years already."
- Ditto the above for my neighbors (minus the aunt part, of course).
And, I have to admit, the whole prospect of pregnancy and motherhood scares me even more now than it used to. Not because of the miscarriages and the increased risk of Down syndrome, but because of how much my life has changed in the past few months. I've written before about how I feel like I'm really discovering who I am - finally - and how happy I've been with everything lately. Before, I feel like I was so fixated on having a baby RIGHT NOW partly because it seemed to be the answer to my unhappiness and my discontent with so many things in my life. But now, there is so much that makes my life feel full and rich, and I'm a little bit scared of how motherhood is going to fit in there. Or rather - how everything else is going to fit in with motherhood. I know it will all work out in one way or another. I know it will.
And, I'm still trying to come to grips with the fact that after getting pregnant easily four times, something has changed so dramatically that we've gone a year without conceiving. At my last RE appointment, the doctor made a joke, "That's what happens. You hang around here and you become infertile." Yet I refuse to adopt that label. But still, it's adding a new dimension to this whole thing - new layers of emotions, fears, and uncertainties.