babylust

a mixed bag

I'm making myself take a little time to write today. Things have been so busy lately. My business is growing in leaps and bounds and is far more successful than I ever thought it would be. I am so blessed by all of the support around me that makes it possible - my darling husband, fabulous family, amazing friends, super customers, and doors that just keep opening. Most of the time I feel so incredibly happy. And busy enough to keep me from thinking too much about the fact that it's been two years since John and I started trying to get pregnant.

I haven't looked at my weblog in so long that I'm not even sure when I last posted. I've been doing a lot of journaling lately, but most of it has felt to private to post. I have to chuckle as I type that because my life, particularly around our fertility issues, has pretty much become an open book. Still, there are some things that I hold back - for various reasons.

A lot has changed for us on the fertility front recently. I did write about our post-coital test and my ph issues and the home brew. John and I both took a round of doxycycline at the start of my cycle and I went in for another post-coital test (minus the home brew). This time, things looked good on my end. BUT, John's sperm count was really low. The doctor recommended that we proceed with insemination. We almost did it this cycle, but decided at the last minute to hold off. I'm currently 12 dpo - and probably not pregnant. Right now, our plan is to have a formal sperm analysis done before moving to insemination. It just seems strange to me that his count was so high last time and so low this time. Several of you commented previously on how unreliable the post-coital test is, so we think it best to get some additional information.

So, as far as the facts go, that's where we stand.

And then there's all of the emotions that I've been swimming through lately. For starters, I've really felt like I was pregnant for the past two cycles. By 12 dpo, I'm pretty sure that this cycle is a bust. Lately, when I have written, I've mentioned the emotional distance I've felt from this situation as of late. Recently, however, a few things have triggered some pretty strong emotional reactions. Here's a sampling:

• Raw anger at the woman who sits across from me at the market on Saturdays selling her jewelry and chain smoking the whole entire day. I promise this is not some market competition thing. Really. It disgusts me to see her with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth the whole day. I try to ignore it, to not judge her - but I haven't had much luck. It just seems so unfair. (edited to add that the smoking woman is 7 months pregnant).
• A dear friend, who has also struggled with infertility, recently was blessed with a son. They named him Jack. I haven't been able to visit them yet, and I got serious twinges of jealousy when I received the email announcing his birth. You see, John and I have pretty much almost decided to name a son Jack after his father.
• Feeling frantic when my sister-in-law told me that they're starting to plan for a family. Please don't get me wrong here - they are going to make FANTASTIC parents and I'll love being an aunt to their little one(s), but this little voice started in my head started begging the Universe, "Please let us get pregnant first. We've been trying for two years already."
• Ditto the above for my neighbors (minus the aunt part, of course).

And, I have to admit, the whole prospect of pregnancy and motherhood scares me even more now than it used to. Not because of the miscarriages and the increased risk of Down syndrome, but because of how much my life has changed in the past few months. I've written before about how I feel like I'm really discovering who I am - finally - and how happy I've been with everything lately. Before, I feel like I was so fixated on having a baby RIGHT NOW partly because it seemed to be the answer to my unhappiness and my discontent with so many things in my life. But now, there is so much that makes my life feel full and rich, and I'm a little bit scared of how motherhood is going to fit in there. Or rather - how everything else is going to fit in with motherhood. I know it will all work out in one way or another. I know it will.

And, I'm still trying to come to grips with the fact that after getting pregnant easily four times, something has changed so dramatically that we've gone a year without conceiving. At my last RE appointment, the doctor made a joke, "That's what happens. You hang around here and you become infertile." Yet I refuse to adopt that label. But still, it's adding a new dimension to this whole thing - new layers of emotions, fears, and uncertainties.

what should I ask for?

I'm 14 dpo today. The test is negative. We're on to another cycle.

As I mentioned in a previous post, John and I will both be doing a round of doxycycline, as we used that last time we got pregnant. I'm not a big fan of antibiotics unless absolutely necessary, but I'll try it. For the next cycle, our RE also recommended using the home brew and doing two post-coital tests - one without using the brew, and one after using it. I share the apprehension that several of you have expressed. I appreciate your thoughts and concern, and I'll bring these up during my next conversation with the RE.

At my last visit, I asked my RE if I should have any other testing done. I've already had an HSG (normal) and several rounds of bloodwork to test my thyroid level, anticardiolipin levels, and progesterone level. But that's about it. He thought the likelihood of having caused scar tissue or damaging one of my tubes during my D&C was unlikely, so he was against doing another HSG.

So, my question is - what other tests should I have done? I feel like the ones I've had before were to test me for not being able to hold a pregnancy, not for not being able to get pregnant. What other tests have you had done?

Thanks in advance for sharing your experiences, insight, and wisdom.

xoxoxo

the results are in

John and I made our way to the RE's office on Friday, just hours before I had to be at St. Paul's Church in Richmond for the rehearsal for a friend's wedding. Our doctor performed the post-coital swab and then did an ultrasound to check on my lining and ovaries. He confirmed that I had ovulated the night before, from my right ovary. He was pleased with my lining and said that it looked like I had produced a good sized follicle. So far, so good.

I got dressed, and we headed to his office for the results. When he walked in, the look on his face immediately told us that things weren't good. The good news - John's sperm count looks to be excellent. The bad news - all of the sperm were dead. He checked the ph of my cervical fluid, which was very acidic, and which explains why all of John's swimmers were still. And it probably explains why we're not pregnant again.

We rushed out of the office to purchase supplies for a home brew involving baking soda, warm water, and a hot water bottle. I'll leave the rest to your imagination.

So here's the plan, assuming that we don't get pregnant this cycle:
-A round of doxycycline at the start of my next cycle. We used this the last time I got pregnant, and the RE thinks it may have changed the ph of my cervical fluid in a good way.
-Another post-coital test a few days before ovulation next cycle
-Use baking soda brew and have another post-coital test at the time of ovulation next cycle
-If the home brew doesn't work, move on to insemination

The other good news is that he doesn't think that injectibles are what we need.

I can't help but think that using clomid in Nov 2006 into Jan 2007 did something to change my body chemistry. I haven't been able to find out much information on this. Any thoughts?

thank you

...for all of your kind words this week. They have meant so much to me.

I am amazed at the weight that anniversaries carry. It seems that the body and soul remember, even when the mind is not focused on the approaching date. For several weeks leading up to the anniversary, I noticed that I felt really heavy - my heart, my body - all of me. I was tired and sluggish and sad. Even when I wasn't thinking about Lucas, I felt this way -  I just seemed to linger in this place of grey.

I've shed a good bit of tears this week. I've looked at Lucas's  ultrasound pictures and read the sweet cards we received from family and friends. I journaled. I whispered my hopes to the Universe. I snuggled Rilo. I held my husband close.

I'm pretty sure I ovulated last night. Today, we go to the RE's for a post-coital test. And then we wait.

here we go again

On to cycle #16. I'm disappointed, of course, but I also feel like I've distanced myself from things in the past week or so. I'm not really sure how to describe what I'm experiencing, except to say that I feel unemotional and dispassionate. It's almost like I'm watching the events transpire right before my eyes, yet it's a casual observation, as if I haven't quite been drawn into the story. It's certainly a strange place to be after the dizzying highs and lows of the past (nearly) two years. I'm certain that this place is better than finding myself wallowing in despair, but it's an uneasy place for me to be, and it's completely unfamiliar. I'm generally quite aware of my emotional climate, sometimes so much so that I am simply overwhelmed by the emotions coursing through my body. It feels so foreign to me to feel so distant from something that I've wanted for what feels like forever. I feel like I am  changing in more ways than I had even been aware of.

It's been nearly a year since we lost Lucas, and it's hard to believe that so much time has passed. I'm still so thankful for all of the gifts that his presence offered me, no matter how short those 10 weeks were. I'm grateful for all of the blessings and joy in my life, for the courage to look inward to discover my authentic self. I hope that I will soon be able to discover what kind of mother I will be. I trust that it will happen. Despite my emotional distance, I know that it is my heart's desire.

So, we will try again. My last cycle was long and confusing, disrupted by stress and who knows what else. My RE recommends that we try one more cycle with me ovulating on my own, using only prometrium after ovulation. If this cycle doesn't work, he encouraged us to try one more cycle of clomid with regular monitoring. He suggested that our next step after that would be injectables. For now, I'm taking it one day at a time.
 

low

Remember those positive, optimistic posts I've been writing? This won't be one of them. I hit a low today, and I'm back to feeling hopeless and sad and frustrated. I'm 12 dpo, and I'm about 99.99% positive that this cycle didn't work out. Sure, it could be too early, but I know in my heart that I'm not pregnant.

I walked by the maternity section in Target tonight, and I felt this incredible sadness wash over me. It feels like our dream of a baby is getting further and further away. I know I was one of the lucky ones - my first four times, I got pregnant without much effort at all. So this 5 months of no pregnancy is really baffling me. And knowing that we have a pretty significant history of miscarriage coupled with a higher risk for a baby with a trisomy in the future (which often leads to miscarriage), I just feel hopeless.

To top it off, I spent the day running back and forth to the vet. We had Rilo's final appointment for puppy vaccinations this morning, and early this afternoon, I discovered that she has blood in her urine. An amout significant enough to be visible to me, so quite a bit. The vet ran a urinalysis, and she has low levels of white blood cells along with very dilute urine, which lead him to believe that something is going on with her kidneys. Hopefully, it's nothing serious. We should know more tomorrow.

I think I'm going to make myself another of these (I sold this one) and not take it off until things are looking much, much brighter.

in need of advice

I'm now 11 dpo, and I'm feeling pretty sure that this cycle (#15) didn't work. I know it's early, but I just have that feeling. And I'm having about zero symptoms.

Last cycle, we went sans clomid, but I continued to use 200 mg of prometrium 2x daily starting at 3 dpo.  At 12 dpo, I started spotting. I called the RE's office, and they said that lots of women spot on prometrium. I asked the RE to call  me, and he agreed with the nurse that it is very common for women to spot while using prometrium. But he wanted to check my P4 level at 7 dpo, just to be sure.

I had the test last Friday, and I got the results today - 13.2. I told the nurse that this seemed low considering that I am using 400 mg of prometrium. She said that it was fine. But she also said that they look for levels between 15 and 20. I asked her to clarify, and she said that my level was fine.

My RE is on vacation until next week, so I won't be able to talk to him until then. Since all of you lovelies are so knowledgeable, I thought I would ask for your thoughts on my level. And on whether or not I should up my dosage for the next few days until we know something for sure.

Why can't this ever be easy?

spot and a new start

Today, I read Sara's post about letting herself get excited. I felt exactly that way last week - I really was hopeful. I was having all the sypmtoms, breast tenderness and cramping and lots of other signs too. But no, I'm not pregnant. A new cycle has started, cycle #15. My body had me fooled.

I didn't expect to have more pregnancy "symptoms" using only prometrium than when using it in combination with clomid - that's what really threw me off. By the time I started spotting on 12 dpo, I was pretty sure that this cycle hadn't worked. I had spotting even using 200 mg of prometrium twice a day, so I'm not sure if using only prometrium is keeping my progesterone level high enough. I'm waiting to see how my period is before calling the RE to see if we need to reevaluate our plan.

I'm feeling surprisingly okay with things. I think this is mostly due to all of the energy I've been putting into my creative pursuits. In fact, I've started another weblog to document the journey of soul expansion I've embarked on during the past few months.  I debated about whether or not to simply expand my writing topics here at babylust, but I decided that I the best thing for me, for now, is to start from a fresh place. I'll still be posting here, but, if you choose, you can get to know me in new ways here.

cycle #14 update

I know I haven't posted much about my cycles lately. Honestly, over the past few months, I've been trying not to think about pregnancy and loss too terribly much, and I've been pretty successful. For the first time since embarking on this journey, I feel like it is not the focus of my life right now. I feel incredibly excited about all of the other happenings in my life, and I'm really trying to enjoy having this time off from work to focus on self-care, learning more about myself, rediscovering my passions, and engaging in my creative pursuits.

I'm currently in my third cycle since John and I started trying again last November. We did two obviously unsuccessful cycles of clomid and supplemented prometrium after ovulation. Clomid seems to wreak havoc on my hormones - I experience mood swings and my skin breaks out with an intensity that I haven't seen since I was a teenager. Most distressing though are that 1) for both clomid cycles, it has taken over a week for my period to start after discontinuing the prometrium (making my cycles over 40 days long),   2) my periods have been super-light and really crampy, and   3) my cervical fluid is nonexistent for the few days just before and after O (even taking Mucinex and drinking tons of water). Because of this, I decided that I didn't want to do another clomid cycle without a consult with our RE.

I was able to see the RE on Friday, 2/16, which is also the day I ovulated this cycle, and he shared my concerns. He suspects that it is the clomid and not the prometrium that is having the greatest effect on the length of my cycle. Since clomid has never really helped me to ovulate much earlier than normal, and because of the aforementioned side effects, I told him that I would really like to try a few cycles without it, only using prometrium after ovulation. He was very supportive of this and seemed to be impressed with how in tune I am with my body. We discussed a lot of options ranging from conservative (trying without clomid) to aggressive (IUI to femera or shots), and basically, he was supportive of however John and I want to proceed. I came away from the meeting with a long-range plan, which I'm hoping that we won't need. We're going to try a few cycles just using prometrium. If this doesn't work, he'd like to see me try one more clomid cycle, but this time, I'd have pretty careful monitoring to check my hormone levels, the thickness of my lining, and my follicle development, none of which I have had done before. If none of that works, we'll come up with another plan. 

I'm currently 10 dpo in cycle #14. As I said before, I'm trying not to think about it too much. Now, only time will tell.

cycle #12

A new cycle started at the end of last week. Tonight, I'll take my first dose of clomid.

It's my 12th cycle charting and 1 year/4months since John and I started trying to have our first child. It's been over 5 months since we said goodbye to Lucas. Sometimes it's hard to believe it has been that long; at times the grief is as raw as it was the day we lost him. Waiting several months to try again was a good decision for us. I needed that time to mourn and to heal. Finally, I feel like I'm in a good space to try this again. Most of the time, I actually feel excited. I'm sure that I'll be swallowed up by fear and anxiety once I see those two pink lines, but for now, I'm going to simply enjoy the possibilities that lie ahead of us. I keep telling myself that it's bound to work one day. It has to, right?