babylust

10 days old

Thea is 10 days old today.

I can hardly believe that she's finally here. I have never been more in love - both with her and with John (who, by the way, continues to prove himself to be the most amazing husband and father). I want to hold her pretty much all of the time, and I can't stop staring at her - it's like I need a constant visual reminder that she is finally here.

This post will surely be scattered because there's no other way to describe the state of my brain right now. I forget what I'm saying mid-sentence at least 5 times an hour.

Thea's birth story will follow, but not any time soon, I'm sure. I have a feeling I'll have to write it in bits and pieces.

I'm thankful that John has been keeping everyone updated on Thea through his weblog, because up until now, I just haven't been able to sit down long enough to type a complete post. Even though I live in the same house with him, I'm not quite sure how he manages it.

Thea is great - perfect, in fact. Our first couple of days home went very smoothly, although I continued to question the strict feeding schedule prescribed by the NICU. One good thing about it was that Thea always finished her feedings with an extremely full belly which ensured that she usually slept quite soundly until her next feeding three hours later. As nice as it was to get a bit of sleep, I worried that we were over feeding her and not responding to her natural feeding cues.

Then, last night, she decided that the schedule had to go, and kept me up for almost the whole night. Our baby who had been able to sleep pretty much ANYWHERE for the past 9 days decided that the only suitable place to sleep was curled up against my chest. Which is actually fine with me, except that I didn't feel comfortable falling asleep with her like this, so I was up for pretty much the entire night.

This morning, we made our way to the pediatrician. Thea has gained 2 oz since Friday, and our pedi gave us the green light to quit the "schedule" and formula and to start working off of Thea's cues for feeding. So far, it looks like she's feeding for about 5-10 minutes every hour. I feel like tonight might be another long night. But we've done much better than I expected (although I feel like I'm doing a pretty good job of not having expectations these days). Having Thea in my life makes it much easier to stay in the moment. With a newborn, it seems there's not much else you can do.

As for me, I'm doing well. I'm still taking the pain medicine, much to my dismay, but I'm trying to be patient with myself in my recovery. Surprisingly, my muscle issues have gone back to my pre-pregnancy state, and I am very thankful for that. I'm feeling stronger each day, looking much less anemic, and hoping I can sneak in a haircut sometime in the next couple of weeks. And I've already lost over 10 pounds. I'm sure most of it is water weight - I had tremendous swelling in my legs, ankles, and feet starting right after birth. I guess that's what I get for not having any swelling during my pregnancy. Thankfully, that is subsiding too.

So, for those of you who might be willing to share, I'm curious to know:

-If you had a cesarean birth, how long was your recovery? How long did the pain last for you?

-What was your early breast feeding schedule? How long did your baby feed? How long did your baby go between feedings?

And, without further delay...here's what I know you really came here looking for...

Bambina!

It's quite possible that Thea will never get any cuter than this!

A quick update from dad. Thea is still in the NICU, but her breathing is much better. She took a bottle this morning, and Nikole and I will be going down shortly so Thea's mom can bottle feed her for the first time. If all goes well, we'll go back at three so Nikole can learn to nurse our baby! Keep on cheering the new mom on; she's been doing so great, and is filled with quiet courage (as you all know so well).

Nikole and Thea hold each other for the first time ever! It was love at first sight for Nikole on Friday, and love at first sight for Thea yesterday morning.

Thea and her Omie (John's mom) meet each other late Saturday morning, while the best neonatal nurse in the entire universe, Lindsey, adjusts Thea's little IV.

Omie's got a girlfriend!

Nikole's mom spent an hour-and-a-half with Thea and Nikole yesterday evening.

Mother and daughter, together forever.

The baby does not have her father's nose!

Dad and baby after he lulled her off with a rendition of a Swell Season song -- "I don't know you/but I love you/all the more for that."

Delivery Day

This is dad. Nikole is sleeping. She got to meet Thea and snuggle her in the NICU for several hours today. Thea is, of course, lovely. She is having a little trouble with her respiration (it's fast) and her blood count is a touch low, so she's going to hang with the NICU kids for at least another day. But we can visit as often as we want...

I've posted a pretty detailed account of Thea's birthday over on my Garden of Words site. Nikole has been checking her emails and comments, but is pretty tired still. I'm also reading the emails that come my way to her as they pop onto my crackberry.

I know she'll have a lot to share with folks in the days and weeks to come.

Meet Thea

John and Nikole just before she's wheeled off to the grand introduction!

Thea Elizabeth Sarvay. Born 4:59 pm on Friday, April 18, 2008. Weight: 6 pounds and .6 ounces. Length: 19 inches.

Mee Maw's hand in Thea's grasp.

Thea meeting her Mee Maw.

Thea's little foot.

Thea's little hand.

The only man she'll ever love.

BFF!

It is 11:00 p.m. and Nikole has moved out of Labor and Delivery. We're back on the 3rd floor, where we spent a week earlier this month, and Nikole is trying to get some sleep. On the way upstairs, they wheeled us to the NICU so she could see our daughter -- the fattest baby in the NICU! She was so happy to see Thea, and sad she couldn't hold her, but we're hoping they'll move her out of the NICU tomorrow morning. We're here until Monday or Tuesday, and then head home for a new life as a family of three. All three of us want to thank all of you for your thoughts, prayers, emails, phone calls and powerful chains of love.

- John, Nikole and Thea Sarvay

Thea Elizabeth Sarvay

6 pounds. 19 inches. Healthy and happy. Mom is sleeping. Dad is tired. Thanks for the love.

Update

Today is the day.

Nikole and John are at the hospital preparing for birth. All are doing well. By the end of this afternoon, John and Nikole will be snuggling their newborn.

(posted by Jim Johns)

the most important time is now

This post was written last night, but I lost it all before I was able to post. I've tried to re-create it today.

My dear friend Nancy gave me this wonderful little rock nearly two years ago. It sits on my desk where it looks up at me every single day (until the bedrest, that is). It's been an important reminder for me - nudging me back into the present moment, helping me to not get too lost in worries of what the future does or doesn't hold.

I need my little rock now more than ever.

Last night, Nancy came over to bring us dinner and to keep me company while John went out to a meeting. We did a lot of talking about what would happen during the c-section, about how I was feeling, and about what I am afraid of. She helped me develop a list of affirmations that I can read and vocalize as I prepare for Bumble's birth. Here's what we came up with:

I am alive
TES is healthy
I am safe
I am strong
My body is capable of birth
I will be safe in birth
TES will be safe in birth
We will meet TES
I trust my doctors
TES will arrive exactly when she needs to
TES is in the position she needs to be in
I am calm
John loves me
I am supported
TES is happy

This morning, my mom added another one:

My mother and stepfather love me so very much

Today, I was able to talk to our doctor and to get our questions answered. Mostly, we were concerned with how things would be handled in an emergency situation. I think at this point, we feel as confident as we can going into surgery on the 22nd, but we were worried about how things would go if we have to go in before then. What if our doctor wasn't on call? Would the responding OB be aware of our situation and the precautions that need to be taken? Would extra blood be available for me and the baby?

She assured me that all of the doctors in the practice had been thoroughly briefed about what they would face during the c-section, so there would be no surprises. The surgery should proceed exactly as it would on the 22nd. She told me that she has given all of the doctors instructions to call her cell phone if I should come in so that she can try to make it, if at all possible. If she can't be there, they have been instructed to call the perinatologist. Hopefully, one of them would be present for the c-section. She told me about the emergency blood supply that will be available to both me and the baby within two minutes. She assured me that this is not the most complicated surgery that she has performed, and that while this situation is uncommon, she has seen it before. She feels very confident that things will go smoothly considering we know what we're up against in advance.

I also asked her about the necessity of performing the amnio, considering that there is a real potential for it to trigger contractions, labor, and therefore, more bleeding. She felt like we should still proceed with the procedure, and if the results show that Bumble's lungs are not developed, I'll be admitted to the hospital, where we can hopefully stick it out for another week.

I asked her about the risks she had mentioned. She said that there is a very, very strong probability of me needing a transfusion, but that she felt pretty sure the other risks (like a hysterectomy) were not very likely - just things she had to mention.

I feel much more at peace after talking with her. I'm now trying to put the fear aside and focus on the excitement of welcoming our daughter into our lives. I'm trying to enjoy every moment of feeling Bumble wiggle and turn and push, making herself and her strength known. I look down at my belly, watching it change shape with her movements. I hope that when I place my hands on my belly, she can feel the warmth of my love, and that she can sense how happy I am to be her mother, and how much I believe in her.

I do want to send my deepest gratitude for all of the kind comments, messages, emails, and phone calls. It has helped tremendously to know that there is so much love and support surrounding us. Please forgive me if I'm a bit delayed in responding to calls or messages - I have been feeling extremely exhausted and overwhelmed. But I do want to thank you all again for everything - John and I can't imagine what it would be like to be going through this alone.

Can you believe my pregnancy ticker marks 35 weeks today? Can you believe that there's only 10 days (or less!) until we meet our daughter?

because things weren't already complicated enough

Yesterday, John and I went in for another ultrasound and appointment with both the perinatologist and our OB. Everything looked good on the ultrasound - Bumble seems to be thriving, her blood flow looked good, and she was practicing her boxing. I had been concerned that at her last growth ultrasound, her belly was measuring a week behind, but the peri did a quick scan of it yesterday. It was measuring a couple of days ahead, so good news there too. We'll have our last growth scan next Tuesday to try to figure out how much the tiny girl will weigh when she meets the outside world.

As the big day gets closer, more and more questions keep popping into my head. One of them was about the amnio. I wasn't really sure what to expect with this - how it would feel, how long it would take, where it would be done, and what to expect afterwards. The peri walked us through all of this - she's had an amnio before, so she was able to tell me what to expect from that perspective too. She scanned my belly to look at the entire placenta and try to figure out where the amnio could be performed. She found a little place at the very top of my uterus, just beside my rib, that she thought would be a good place to do it.

We then discussed the plan for the amnio and what would happen afterwards. Because of the risk of triggering labor or contractions, which could very well lead to more bleeding, she was not comfortable with me having the procedure at one hospital and then traveling to the other hospital to be monitored.  We were thankful that she switched her schedule around so that the anmio could be done at our regular office/hospital, and then we would be able to go directly to labor & delivery for monitoring. This was one of our big questions/concerns for the day, so we felt much better about not having to travel between hospitals.

We then headed over to meet with our OB. The peri had gone over in advance to discuss the ultrasound findings so that everyone would be on the same page. Once we got back into the exam room, we started to have a sense that anxieties were rising. Our OB's office must be right next to the exam room, because we could hear the two of them talking for a bit of time. Our OB came in, and we immediately knew that it wouldn't be a normal appointment. I'm not sure why no one knew this before, but my placenta situation seems to be a particularly complicated one. Not only is it extremely vascular, particularly down around my cervix, it is also anterior, extending pretty much over the entire front of my uterus. Which is why the amnio has to be done way up next to my rib. The major concern is how to most safely deliver the baby. It seems that there is no way to make an incision to get the baby out without cutting through my placenta. Yes, the placenta that is basically just a very large bundle of blood vessels. Yes, the placenta that is the baby's lifeline, her entire blood supply.

So, this is where John and I start majorly freaking out.

The conversation continued. She talked about how it would be a complicated surgery, and wanted to prepare us for how tense things could be in the operating room. She warned us that there would be a lot of blood. She described the precautions that would be taken - extra surgeons and nurses, a blood supply in case I need a transfusion, and a team of neonatal staff to take care of the baby. She said that the surgery would have to happen very quickly to get the baby out as fast as possible and to remove my placenta in order to stop the bleeding. She mentioned the chance of me needing a hysterectomy, although she didn't feel like this was a big risk. An additional complication of placenta previa is placenta accreta, where the placenta attaches itself too deeply into the uterine wall, causing difficulty in removal. Thankfully, from the ultrasound exam, it doesn't look like this will be a problem for us, but it is hard to know until they actually get in there and see the situation first-hand.

During the conversation, it seemed like most of the risk was to me, and not to the baby, since our OB seemed pretty confident that they could get the baby out pretty quickly. We talked about my continued bed rest and the possibility of me having the baby sooner than our scheduled date. If I have another bleed, they will go ahead and deliver her, and from the looks of my placenta, they seemed to think another bleed was pretty likely (I think because of how vascular my placenta is around my cervix and because of the increasing pressure on the placenta as the baby gets larger). We talked about a plan for getting me to the hospital - whether we should drive ourselves or call an ambulance. Since we live less than 10 minutes from the hospital, it seems that unless I'm having a major hemorrhage, the best course of action would be for us to drive to the hospital directly.

John and I left the appointment dazed and anxious. When we got home, the fear set in.

I think I was too overwhelmed with all of the new information to really process it until we go home. Right now, the biggest emotion I'm feeling is fear. Fear that after everything, something will happen to the baby during delivery. Fear that I'll die during the surgery. Fear of how everything will be handled should I have to have an emergency c-section before our scheduled date.I slept fitfully last night, with all kinds of scenarios running through my restless mind and a long list of questions for the doctor developing in my head.

I'm also feeling a lot of frustration and anger. I feel like every time we go to the doctor, there is more information that changes the situation, making it more complicated and stressful. I feel frustrated that every time we come up with a plan to help us feel more empowered in our particular situation, to help us feel more connected to our daughter's entry into the world as a birth and not just a medical procedure, something changes, and we are thrown off-center, having to start all over again. I am really torn between wanting to get this over already and knowing that every day that Bumble is able to continue growing inside of me will help her be stronger and more ready to face the world on her own. But I'm seriously wondering how I'll get through the next two weeks.

I've been working on another post about how I've been feeling about having a cesarean birth, about the grief I've been feeling about not being able to deliver my daughter vaginally, about the lack of resources I've found to help me process the feelings I'm having. But really, now I'm feeling so overwhelmed with figuring out how to keep my daughter and me safe until and during delivery, that none of those other things really seem to matter any more. I'm sure I'll need to process them more later, but for now, it seems like there are more pressing matters requiring my mental and emotional energy.

I feel like John and I are truly learning lessons on adaptability, on how nothing is ever truly certain, on drawing on our inner strength to carry us through these stressful and uncertain times. But for now, I'm just tired and anxious, and more than ready to have my daughter safely in my arms so we can begin the next chapter of our lives together.

Today, I'm putting in a call to our OB to try to get some of our questions answered, so that we can start to create some peace of mind as we anticipate our daughter's arrival.

being brave on a rainy Saturday

I bought this sweet little ring from the talented and gorgeous and extremely kind Thea Coughlin, whose etsy shop is called Monarch (go get yourself one already!). It seemed to be just the perfect reminder as I was wrestling with all of my very big feelings around having a cesarean birth and facing increasing problems with my muscles. I only wish I had had one sooner. (and while you're on etsy, be sure to check out Thea's beautiful photography, which is nothing short of stunning).

Anyhow, posting a snapshot of this ring seemed especially appropriate today, considering we had a bit of a scare. I started spotting last night and having copious amounts of watery discharge. The spotting was brown, which means old blood and nothing fresh, so although it was heavier than it has been in recent days, I thought I would just go through the night and see how things looked in the morning.

I woke up today feeling really achy and crampy - not too different from how I felt just before the big bleed last week. The spotting had continued, but didn't seem to be any heavier. I tried to take it as easy as possible today, spending much of the day on my side and forgoing my much-anticipated scrub down. We ended up calling the doctor's office, and luckily, our own OB was on call. Her main concern was that my water had broken, but after monitoring things for the rest of the afternoon, I feel certain that no such thing has happened.

For now, things seem to have settled down. Bumble doesn't seem to be getting the message that kicking my placenta is not really in her best interest, so I'm hoping that things continue to remain stable despite her persistent jabs.

I am hopeful that won't have to be on my side all day tomorrow and it will be easier for me to type out some of the jumbled thoughts and emotions that have been knocking around in my head and heart over the past few weeks.

For now, it's back to the bed for what will hopefully be a restful night's sleep.

home sweet home

Well, hello there.

Thanks so much for all of your comments, thoughtful messages, and warm thoughts. John and I have once again been overwhelmed by all of the kindness and support that surround us on this journey. Each day, John has read me comments and email messages, and they have done so much to keep my spirits strong over this difficult past week and a half.

Last Wednesday ended up being a very scary day, although it started out as nothing out of the ordinary. I piddled around the house in the morning, and just after lunch time, John and I met with our pediatrician. I had done a little bit of shopping in the afternoon, trying to find some essentials so I could pack my hospital bag. I kept telling myself that I needed to go ahead and pack, just in case something happened, but I had been unable to find any underwear that I thought would not irritate my incision. Luckily, I was finally able to find some, as well as some new slippers. I met John at home, we ate dinner, and then headed off to our infant CPR class. After class, I was feeling some pressure and crampiness. Some days, it's hard to tell whether I'm actually cramping or if I just need to go to the bathroom. So, upon arriving home, I headed straight to the bathroom. As soon as I sat down, I felt a huge gush and looked down to a toilet full of bright red blood. I scrambled to find a pad and started walking through the house calling for John.

We immediately called the doctor on call and left a message through the answering service. The bleeding was heavy, so we decided to head directly to the emergency room before waiting for the doctor to call back. They got us into labor and delivery pretty quickly. I stripped down and put on a gown and bled all over the floor before I got onto the bed. In the next few minutes, they the fetal and contraction monitors strapped to my belly and an IV in my hand. My mom and stepfather, John's mom, and our friend Nancy were all close by. The doctor monitored the bleeding, which thankfully stopped within an hour or so. At one point, the anesthesiologist came in to talk about how things would proceed should I have to deliver that night. I got a shot in the rear - steroids to help the baby's lungs develop. John settled into the pullout couch for the night while I was monitored. I had contractions throughout the night, but they never seemed to progress, and thankfully, they didn't cause any additional bleeding. I think I finally fell asleep around 4:30 am.

I spent the next day on the monitors until we were released to be moved upstairs to the antepartum unit. Before making my exit, our lovely nurse Karen gave me a bed bath to clean me up.  I was so thankful for that little bit of refreshment that I didn't really care that I was sprawled out naked on a hospital bed with a stranger scrubbing me down. Any modesty I had left is gone after 4 days of using a bedpan. Those nurses are angels.

Really, I can't say enough good things about the care we received during our stay. The nurses were completely amazing - so upbeat and gentle and caring. I felt extremely well taken care of. During our stay, I met with a hospitalist (who was checking out my crazy heart palpitations), the neonatologist, two anesthesiologists, and the lactation consultant. All of them were great.

Honestly, the worst part of being there (besides the bedpan) was having that darn IV in my hand pretty much the whole time. It was really painful, and got more and more sore each day. It was difficult to not be able to type or write, or really even scroll easily on my laptop. The days went by pretty quickly, probably because there was someone coming to check on me or the baby nearly every hour. I came home from the hospital exhausted.

So, now I'm settled in at home for two weeks of strict bedrest. I can get up to use the bathroom and to briefly shower every other day. I spent nearly all day yesterday sleeping. I'm going to try to post frequently in the next couple of weeks, as I've been processing a lot of things that seem important to write about. But for now, I'm exhausted again, and I'm off to get my rest. I hear I better get it while I can.