because things weren't already complicated enough

Yesterday, John and I went in for another ultrasound and appointment with both the perinatologist and our OB. Everything looked good on the ultrasound - Bumble seems to be thriving, her blood flow looked good, and she was practicing her boxing. I had been concerned that at her last growth ultrasound, her belly was measuring a week behind, but the peri did a quick scan of it yesterday. It was measuring a couple of days ahead, so good news there too. We'll have our last growth scan next Tuesday to try to figure out how much the tiny girl will weigh when she meets the outside world.

As the big day gets closer, more and more questions keep popping into my head. One of them was about the amnio. I wasn't really sure what to expect with this - how it would feel, how long it would take, where it would be done, and what to expect afterwards. The peri walked us through all of this - she's had an amnio before, so she was able to tell me what to expect from that perspective too. She scanned my belly to look at the entire placenta and try to figure out where the amnio could be performed. She found a little place at the very top of my uterus, just beside my rib, that she thought would be a good place to do it.

We then discussed the plan for the amnio and what would happen afterwards. Because of the risk of triggering labor or contractions, which could very well lead to more bleeding, she was not comfortable with me having the procedure at one hospital and then traveling to the other hospital to be monitored.  We were thankful that she switched her schedule around so that the anmio could be done at our regular office/hospital, and then we would be able to go directly to labor & delivery for monitoring. This was one of our big questions/concerns for the day, so we felt much better about not having to travel between hospitals.

We then headed over to meet with our OB. The peri had gone over in advance to discuss the ultrasound findings so that everyone would be on the same page. Once we got back into the exam room, we started to have a sense that anxieties were rising. Our OB's office must be right next to the exam room, because we could hear the two of them talking for a bit of time. Our OB came in, and we immediately knew that it wouldn't be a normal appointment. I'm not sure why no one knew this before, but my placenta situation seems to be a particularly complicated one. Not only is it extremely vascular, particularly down around my cervix, it is also anterior, extending pretty much over the entire front of my uterus. Which is why the amnio has to be done way up next to my rib. The major concern is how to most safely deliver the baby. It seems that there is no way to make an incision to get the baby out without cutting through my placenta. Yes, the placenta that is basically just a very large bundle of blood vessels. Yes, the placenta that is the baby's lifeline, her entire blood supply.

So, this is where John and I start majorly freaking out.

The conversation continued. She talked about how it would be a complicated surgery, and wanted to prepare us for how tense things could be in the operating room. She warned us that there would be a lot of blood. She described the precautions that would be taken - extra surgeons and nurses, a blood supply in case I need a transfusion, and a team of neonatal staff to take care of the baby. She said that the surgery would have to happen very quickly to get the baby out as fast as possible and to remove my placenta in order to stop the bleeding. She mentioned the chance of me needing a hysterectomy, although she didn't feel like this was a big risk. An additional complication of placenta previa is placenta accreta, where the placenta attaches itself too deeply into the uterine wall, causing difficulty in removal. Thankfully, from the ultrasound exam, it doesn't look like this will be a problem for us, but it is hard to know until they actually get in there and see the situation first-hand.

During the conversation, it seemed like most of the risk was to me, and not to the baby, since our OB seemed pretty confident that they could get the baby out pretty quickly. We talked about my continued bed rest and the possibility of me having the baby sooner than our scheduled date. If I have another bleed, they will go ahead and deliver her, and from the looks of my placenta, they seemed to think another bleed was pretty likely (I think because of how vascular my placenta is around my cervix and because of the increasing pressure on the placenta as the baby gets larger). We talked about a plan for getting me to the hospital - whether we should drive ourselves or call an ambulance. Since we live less than 10 minutes from the hospital, it seems that unless I'm having a major hemorrhage, the best course of action would be for us to drive to the hospital directly.

John and I left the appointment dazed and anxious. When we got home, the fear set in.

I think I was too overwhelmed with all of the new information to really process it until we go home. Right now, the biggest emotion I'm feeling is fear. Fear that after everything, something will happen to the baby during delivery. Fear that I'll die during the surgery. Fear of how everything will be handled should I have to have an emergency c-section before our scheduled date.I slept fitfully last night, with all kinds of scenarios running through my restless mind and a long list of questions for the doctor developing in my head.

I'm also feeling a lot of frustration and anger. I feel like every time we go to the doctor, there is more information that changes the situation, making it more complicated and stressful. I feel frustrated that every time we come up with a plan to help us feel more empowered in our particular situation, to help us feel more connected to our daughter's entry into the world as a birth and not just a medical procedure, something changes, and we are thrown off-center, having to start all over again. I am really torn between wanting to get this over already and knowing that every day that Bumble is able to continue growing inside of me will help her be stronger and more ready to face the world on her own. But I'm seriously wondering how I'll get through the next two weeks.

I've been working on another post about how I've been feeling about having a cesarean birth, about the grief I've been feeling about not being able to deliver my daughter vaginally, about the lack of resources I've found to help me process the feelings I'm having. But really, now I'm feeling so overwhelmed with figuring out how to keep my daughter and me safe until and during delivery, that none of those other things really seem to matter any more. I'm sure I'll need to process them more later, but for now, it seems like there are more pressing matters requiring my mental and emotional energy.

I feel like John and I are truly learning lessons on adaptability, on how nothing is ever truly certain, on drawing on our inner strength to carry us through these stressful and uncertain times. But for now, I'm just tired and anxious, and more than ready to have my daughter safely in my arms so we can begin the next chapter of our lives together.

Today, I'm putting in a call to our OB to try to get some of our questions answered, so that we can start to create some peace of mind as we anticipate our daughter's arrival.

Comments

[Kelly]

Hi,
I'm sorry that you can't seem to get an emotional break. I can't imagine how exhausted you must be. Don't be surprised if you are an emotional mess after your delivery...not only because of hormones, but moreso because of the emotional let down. After having to hold it together for so long, your heart might just open the floodgates after she is born. Or not.

I have nothing but good feelings about you and your baby. I am sure everything will be OK. I can't imagine how scared and anxious you must be. I think you are in good hands with your doctors. Just hang in there. You are in the home stretch. This is an anxious time for everyone, even without complications, and the time seems to drag on endlessly.

You are in my prayers for peace, safe delivery, and rest. I think peace is probably your tallest order right now. Easy to say and impossible to do. You are SO brave and SO strong and if your baby is anything like you and your husband (and she is!!) then she is iron clad!!

Just a few more days...

[Angie]

Hang in there, my dear. You are in the most capable hands possible right now, a fantastic team of docs who will take the best care of you and Bumble. It's a lot of information to process, a lot of scenarios and possibilities, and that makes it overwhelming. Sometimes it's better not to know, I think!

Like Kelly said, expect an emotional roller coaster, the hormones wreak havoc on any piece of sanity you are able to hold on to.

I know I sound like a broken record, but if at all possible with your mind going a thousand miles a minute, still try to rest. Rest. Trust. Think good thoughts. Love. In less than two weeks, you will be holding Bumble and all this will wash away as being a Mom sets in. And you will be an amazing mother, and John an amazing father.

Love to you both.

[Sarah]

Phil and I are thinking about you guys lots. And sending good thoughts your way. Take care, N.

xoxo,
Sarah

[Adrien]

I am so sorry this continues to be so hard and stressful and that you can't seem to get a break. I truly have faith that you will be fine, Bumble will be fine, and soon you'll both be able to enjoy your new daughter without a cloud of stress and anxiety. I'm thinking positive thoughts for all three of you. Hang tight, brave girl.

[Christy]

Listen to Bumble. Let her tell you that she's holding on, and will keep holding on, just as she's shown you she can do so well.
I am thinking of you and know you are having a rough time with all this complicated medical news. But I am thinking past this time for you, for the day when Bumble is old enough for me to tell her the story of her brave mother, so that she knows exactly where her own bravery come from. To say to her, face-to-face that she comes by her tenacity and beauty just as her mother has come to the world: honestly, with grace, and with some of the greatest strength I have ever seen.
Love to you and John and Bumble and Rilo, all.

[Michell]

Wow that's a lot to process. I'm sorry you are having to deal with all of this. Since I'm coming over from lost and found I don't know your whole story but I will send many positive thoughts your way that things go well in the next few weeks.

[Watson]

Hi there,

Just sending tons and TONS of good thoughts your way. It sounds like you and Bumble are in good hands...I'm sorry this is all so much to take in, as if having a baby without these complications isn't stressful enough- GAH!!

[Watson]

Hi there,

Just sending tons and TONS of good thoughts your way. It sounds like you and Bumble are in good hands...I'm sorry this is all so much to take in, as if having a baby without these complications isn't stressful enough- GAH!!

[Erica]

Hang in there Nikole, all us RCM girls are thinking about you. Take good care of yourself and rest! BIG HUGS!

[joriel]

Well that certainly does sound scary, but it also sounds like you're in really good thoughtful hands. You are totally my hero for staying strong through all of this. You may not always feel strong, but trust me that you most definitely are. I have a lot of faith that everything is going to work out and that in two weeks you're going to be holding the luckiest little girl in the world. All my love!!!

[Valerie]

Prayers for you constantly until that little lady gets here.

[Dawn Anderson]

Nikole - ditto on what everyone else has said. My thoughts are with you, Bumble and John.

[soralis]

Thinking of you and wishing you the very best.

[Kath]

Oh, Nikole, I am so sorry to hear this. You had quite enough to deal with and worry about already, and now this. I know it seems awful that they spring this on you now, but on the other hand it's probably a good thing that you haven't had more time to worry about it...

As everyone else has said, it sounds as if you are in very good hands. They know what the situation is, they are preparing for it, and that is good. Forewarned, the surgical team will be well equipped to deal with any situation that comes up.

I'm hoping you will come to peace with this, and above all that you and Bumble will come out of in great shape. Hoping that one day soon you will hold your little daughter in joy and wonder, and that the long, at times frightening story of how she got here will recede in your memory.

Thinking of you, my dear.

[rockmama]

I'm so sorry that everything seems so complicated. There's such a lot of emotion tied up in HOW a baby comes into the world. I'm not saying that the birth isn't important, because it is, but everything that comes after is so much MORE important. Even if the birth experience isn't all that you'd hoped it would be (and I know exactly how you feel on that count) it's not the end all be all of experiences with your child. All that good stuff is still ahead of you. I'm so sorry that you're not going to get the birth that you wanted!

I know the folks who are going to be with you in the operating room are going to be top notch. Trusting other people when you're in such a vulnerable state is the hardest thing in the world, but they're going to come through for you and Bumble, I just know it.

Lots of good energy coming your way!

[Cheryl Lage]

Everyone above is spot-on...think joyous thoughts...serenity.
From the birth (and believe me on into childhood!), there is so much that is truly out of our control. While it is hard, please do try focus on the positives (your team is truly your advocate, and Bumble will arrive safely...and you will be FINE!) and try to find peace with those "unchangeables" -- have faith in each other and those who are caring for you...
Rockmama is so right...the birth IS important, but once on the other side, it seems so much less so. Regardless of interventions and route of arrival, when Bumble enters this world it IS a birth. Don't think for a minute otherwise. :)

We heard LOTS of warnings/possibilities/alerts with our pregnancy...and while risks and dangers are real, the med team is always wants to over-inform as opposed to under-inform. Try to keep your mental time spent focusing on daunting aspects to a minimal...which I know is far easier said than done.

We love you guys...this WILL all work out...and wonderfully.
Hang in there...

[Kate]

Thinking good thoughts for you three here--I had a c-section (I have a fibroid that grew and blocked the birth canal) and honestly, no regrets about how my boy got here. I was just so glad to finally have him here--and I am too impatient for hours of labor! Just make sure you have lots of help, and for as long as possible. You need to take care of you too, And--this is advice you can feel free to ignore, but please have your husband and family keep an eye out for post partum depression/anxiety. It may sound inconceviable now when all you want is your little one here safe and sound, but I know from experience and research that mothers with infertility issues, stressful pregnancies, deliveries etc. can be at a higher risk for PPD. Hormones and new motherhood are a powerful combination. I hope it never touches you, but because of my own few months of "mothershock" I sometimes have to put my two cents in about it. But wishing you all the best and hoping to see pictures of you with Bumble soon. You can take long strolls together at Maymont this spring!

[mollyk]

Oh Nikole,
I cannot believe all that continues to be added to your plate. As if you haven't proven your strength and endurance over and over again already. Huge HUGS to you and John. Your one comment really hit home for me though - both of you continuing to learn adaptability. In the end, when Bumble, you and John are safely home together just cozying on the couch, enjoying that sweet bundle of love and warth, you will think back and realize once again how worth it your journey was. And when she is waking you up every hour or two for 2 - 3 months straight, you will realize how good you are at adapting, and while I won't say you will be thankful for what you are going through, I hope you gain an even deeper appreciation / understanding of it all.
I have you all in my thoughts and prayers, and am anxiously waiting for Bumble's safe arrival. Love - Molly

[catherine]

Nikole

I am so sorry-- that is scary and hard-- I'll be praying and thinking about you--and can't wait to meet your Bumble--- I guess my only question would be-- are you sure that your OB is the absolute best person here to perform what sounds like quite complicated surgery-- I know that you have done all your homework about this-- if I were you-- it would make me feel better knowing that the best team possible is there-- in terms of surgeons/OBs, etc.

[Holly]

hi Nikole
I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and strongly visualizing you holding sweet Bumble safe and sound in your arms with your husband, and everyone smiling and happy and relieved and healthy. You are so very very brave and it sounds like the healthcare professionals are making sure everything will be as safe as possible for you both. I don't have any advice to offer, you already know more than most women in our world about what it takes to go through so much loss and complications. I'm praying for the joyful outcome you all deserve so much.

[serenity]

Nikole... I'm so so sorry that your birth is going to not only be the way you wanted it to be... but with so much stress associated with it too. I can only imagine the stress you and John are feeling right now.

Again, when Bumble is here and in your arms, none of this will matter. I know - sounds like a cliche. But, for me anyway, it's true.

Love to you and John. Hang in there, hon.

xxx

[molly]

i love you.
i love you.
i love you.
i love you.
i love you.

you and john are amazing parents. you are an amazing mother.

many strong, serene, supportive thoughts are headed your way.

looking forward to seeing all of your sweet faces soon :)

[Planet Reverse Positioning::::Your infertility was favor, for the gods were granting you more time i]

Planet Reverse Positioning::::Your infertility was favor, for the gods were granting you more time in hope you could get out "before" this obligation forced you to stay.
The Italians bred like rabbits:::That they got "pregnant immediately" illustrated their undesirability.
Your children are the ones with the opportunity now. You must sacrifice to give them the best chance possible.
It's children who go to heaven, not old people.

This is the REAL battle of good and evil:::Me vs. god. Of course I'm trying to help you understand that you are corrupted, fell for temptation and are going the wrong way::::WE are the ones who are evil. (While executing the battle of good and evil the gods do some evil things, like role play their clone host tools to disceive you, forcing thoughts into your head, etc.)
The gods tested us and we have failed, scapegoatting their tools to ensure people never become god-fearing. Learn what I teach and try to uncorrupt yourselves. NOBODY IS GOING TO SAVE YOU!! You have to save yourselves by repairing your relationship with the gods.
Cashier@GSqfamilymemberreincarnated.com

This is how the gods do business:::::They use temptation and deception to compel people to chase something that has already been decided. It's children who go to "beaven". OLd people have to come back. The gods will use their power to contradict this, corrupting people and compelling them to incurr evil::::They used the Italians to ruin life in the 20th century, cost you the Final Prophet and the result will be death as you wait for the Italian Second Coming of Christ to save you.
This is the god's positioning and it IS going to be enforced. Never forget::::The gods have always offered "protection" to those genuinely religious. It is something that was always respected, even in the wicked 20th century.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As people begin to age the gods employ corrupting tactics. They ultimately begin to look down on the children and the wisdom they recently understood:::
They voluntarily turn their back on their opportunity to ascend and instead embrace evil.
It's not old people who go to heaven. Old people must come back because of the mistakes they've made throughout their lives. Children are the ones who have the opportunity to ascend.

Children are discounted by adults in society. The gods corrupt people as they age, use trust-building tactics and soon adults view the children as ignorant, yet to understand the god's system, and subsequently look down on the children. This is one of the most bitter, painful ironies the gods employ, for people consciously turn their back on and lose their opportunity to ascend::::
Religions teach that old people to go to heaven when they die. They don't. Old people are reincarnated. It's the children who go to heaven, those who have a chance at immortality.
The wisdom the gods impart to children, either through their innocence/purity or religious-based educational pursuits are the gods sharing the truth with their most favored people::::It's the children whom the gods teach the right way for it is the children who have a chance. For example, they teach children to have faith, for understanding the god's geographical clues hurts people by illustrating negative things, opening the door for the god's to employ deceptive tactics.
Old people don't go to heaven. Old people must come back because of the mistakes they've made throughout their lives. It's the children who have the opportunity to go to "heaven". They must behave apprioriately, think correctly and be genuinely god-fearing. Their innocence and lack of desensitization ensures they have a real opportunity to achieve this goal.