on edge

The past couple of weeks or so have been pretty rough.

I've been struggling with generalized anxiety that I can't really pin down to anything specific. I'm feeling anxious about pretty much everything - Bumble, my seemingly endless to-do list, our new bedspread - you name it, and I'll find something to worry about. Every possible scenario of things that could go wrong has run through my head. As best I can figure out, it started just before the baby was technically "viable" and has continued, although it has gotten a bit better in the past few days. Another possible trigger is that we have actually started to buy things for the Bumble - her crib and a rocker for the room. It is both quite exciting and terrifying to start thinking about bringing this tiny baby girl home with us.

To make matters worse, last Wednesday night, I started having really bad cramping which moved into contractions that were measuring about 7-9 minutes apart. I called the doctor on call and it took her TWO HOURS to call me back. By then, the cramping had pretty much subsided, but she told us what to watch for, what to do if they continued, and a few things to try that may help.

So, needless to say, that episode didn't really help with the anxiety. And then John started feeling it too. The two of us were pretty much a mess until our appointment with Dr. Love on Friday afternoon. We had an ultrasound and then regular appointment with our OB. The good news is that Bumble looks great, is measuring right on track, and seems to be growing and gaining weight as expected. It doesn't look like I've had any new bleeds and my placenta has moved off to the side a bit, leaving me with partial placentia previa - an improvement from the complete previa we saw at our last ultrasound.

Dr. Love was concerned about the cramping episode, and he thinks that my uterus may be irritable from the previous bleeding. He advised me to take it easy and to stay off my feet as much as possible. So, we'll give that a try and see if it helps things. We go back in two weeks for another ultrasound to make sure that the cramping isn't causing my cervix to shorten or to start to funnel.

At this point, it's still unclear whether or not I'll need a c-section. It's a little frustrating to not know for sure, but for now, I'm just going to plan for a vaginal birth and hope for the best. Our OB said that by 32 weeks, they should have a pretty good idea as to which way Bumble will enter the world.

So, overall, Friday's good report has eased my nerves some. I've been thinking a lot about what I can do to reduce stress and focus on the miracle of the little life growing inside of me. I've closed down my little etsy shop for now - and maybe until after little Bumble is here. I'm trying to chisel down the to-do list to what is really important and to break that list down into even smaller, more manageable bits.

Although when I feel all spun up, it goes against every fiber of my being to slow down and sit with my muddled emotions, I really want to make a more conscious effort to slow down and find some quiet time for reflection each day. I haven't done nearly enough of this during my pregnancy. Part of it has simply been out of self-preservation.  I've been concerned that if I really stop to process everything happening inside my body, I'll be swallowed by fear and anxiety - terrified that we'll lose this baby too.

But now it feels like it's time to center my heart around possibilities instead of fears. It seems like the right time to reclaim hope. It feels right to begin to prepare myself for the arrival of our daughter.

Comments

[Ali]

I've only found your blog in the past month or two - but have enjoyed reading your posts. Probably because we're so close together in due dates - I'm due May 13th.

I know it's easier said then done, and after trauma of my own I find it hard even to say - but try to bask in the joy that you made it past the "viable" stage.

I was feeling the exact same way, and when I hit that date I felt a huge weight lifted. Not that something can't happen now - but I'm trying to believe that this time it will work for me, and I'm hoping that it will be the same for you.

[Andi]

Nikole, the anxiety is par for the course for those of us that have lost. You are perfectly normal! :-) Perhaps your cramping is really Braxton Hicks? I had TERRIBLE BH the last three months or so of my pregnancy. As scary as it was at the time, the really GREAT thing about it was when it came to labor...I was primed and ready! My body had been practicing contractions for weeks!! I was dilated a full 7 before I was in any real pain...it was only discomfort up until that point. So keep thinking positive...Bumble will be here before you know it. And as crazy as it sounds, you will miss being pregnant. ;-)

[christina(apronstrings)]

oh i can identify with that. it's a horrible, horrible feeling. blech. glad everything is okay. listen to bella!!!

[blogapotamus]

I got the whole general anxiety thing too, especially after we went out to buy all of the gear. If it had been up to me, i would have waited to buy it all on the way home from the hospital, but my husband was thankfully of sounder mind than me! Everyone feels a little crazy, especially after losses. Glad to hear everything is going well!

[Megan]

Just wanted you to know I'm here cheering you on! As I patiently wait in hopes that someday soon I will successfully conceive my first child (and hopefully it stays with me that time) I find strength knowing that it can happen as I read yor posts. I liked that you said it's time to center around the possibilities. It's true of anything, and perhaps that shift in thinking (it will take practice!) will be a big help to your anxiety. I should take that advice too.

[SaraS-P]

It is certainly understandable that you would have anxious feelings about actually planning to bring home a daughter from this pregnancy. I hope you can reclaim some hope and that Bumble keeps growing and getting ready to meet mom and dad!

[joriel]

it makes perfect sense to feel anxious given everything you've been through and the risks that still exist, but it's so exciting too. bumble is doing so well! she's clearly strong and a fighter.

keep up the good work with dropping nonessentials during this important time. it's so easy to let the "to dos" take over, but your most important job right now is being kind to your wonderful precious body and honoring the fantastic work it's doing. sending you love and support every day! xoxo

[mollyk]

Nikole, hugs and love coming to you and Bumble. You have been through so much, and it sounds like obstacles keep coming your way. Your strength always amazes me though. You persevere like no other I know, and I hope you can feel the love and support being wrapped around you. One day at a time, you will make it through, and we are here for you each step of the way. You are going to be such a great mom - I can feel it! Love!!

[Vivien]

Good news anyway about the placenta moving away a little. That kind of anxiety about everything sounds hormonal to me . . . perhaps you are dealing with lots of hormones?!!
Wishing you and Bumble lots of luck.

[Heather]

Lots of love and hugs from here too! Try your best as you said to relax and destress, but know that it will be hard, not just from the high risk pregnancy, but with all the pregnancy hormones!!!! They are the worst!

[Nicole]

Exactly 2 weeks ago, I was a nesting maniac. I had a long list of things to do and everytime I crossed off one, I added another. I wasn't sleeping and I really couldn't sit still because I always had something to do. I was worried for 2 weeks about being induced and about being Group B Strep positive. Fast forward to today... I spent so much energy worrying about being induced when it didn't even matter. My to do list was never completed and I honestly couldn't care less. When the baby comes, you will look in her eyes and it won't matter whether or not you cleaned your bathrooms. Things are going to work out for you and John - I just know it. In the meantime, please know that I am thinking about you and praying for your sweet Bumble!

[jessica joy]

Hang in There, Baby!!! Blessed Be in everyway...God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of thanksgiving :), and another one to reassure, 'for you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. i praise you beacuase i am wonderfully made... psalm 139:13-16...sending love your way...xxoo~jes

[Jonah Holland]

Nikole,
Once she is actually coming - you'll feel centered and have all of the piece of mind that you need. It's funny how it happens that way. If you can focus on the joy of her moving inside of you, and try to remember she's communicating with you in that way, that always eased the anxiet for me. Babies kicking inside is a feeling of closeness that I often miss.