babylust

the most beautiful sight

Just got back from our appointment, and...

We have a heartbeat!

The baby was measuring right on track at 6w4d (they say + or - 2 days on the u/s measurements).

I did not sleep well last night, so I'm desperately in need of a nap, so feeling pretty blech.

More later...

6 weeks, 3 days

So far, everything seems to be going okay. I haven't written much because I've been feeling so incredibly sick that it's tough to do much but lay on the couch. Eating does seem to bring a small bit of relief, at least while I'm actually eating, but then I'm back to feeling miserable within 20 minutes or so. I do seem to have a brief respite in the afternoon to early evening, but it seems to be coming later and ending earlier each day. It is nearly impossible to find any food that sounds appealing enough to eat. I think that organic brown rice with vegan butter and salt & pepper will be my staple for a while.

It may sound like I'm complaining, but I'm not. I am deeply grateful to be where I am, feeling how I feel. I know it is a good sign to feel this way.

One of my biggest concerns (outside of the ultrasound that is in two days) is that I have a big show this weekend. It is my first juried show, and I've been really excited about it. Except that I haven't been able to make ANYTHING for it, I've been feeling so bad. I'm actually not sure how I'm going to make it through the show itself feeling like I do. But I'm taking it one day at a time.

I've also been spending a lot of mental energy trying to not focus on all of the things that could go wrong. Being on this journey, I not only have my own past experiences to wrestle with, but those of this community, where I've encountered women who have had all sorts of problems. I feel like those of us in this community of infertility and loss carry not only our own personal struggles with us, but those of the friends we have met on this journey. I feel like I know more about all of the things that can go wrong during pregnancy than the miracle of having a healthy baby. And while all of the successes of this community are encouraging, what feels most present in my mind is all of the loss and heartache.

Still, I feel much more at peace during this pregnancy than I ever have before. I think part of it is that I'm having symptoms that are nothing like I've experienced before. I also know that I've done a lot of mental and emotional work to prepare myself to be here. I have a lot more patience than when I (we) started on this journey. I know that no amount of worry will change what is happening. I have faith that one day, things will work out for us. Who's to say that this time isn't it?

Our ultrasound is on Friday at 9:00 am. I'm hoping with all of my heart that I'll have good news to report.

6 weeks

We've made it to six weeks. Anyway, I think we have.

Right now, my life is fairly centered around food and trying to keep my very persistent morning sickness away. I don't remember feeling so bad with Lucas, or at least not so early. And while I know I had a few days where I felt pretty terrible, I know that I didn't experience it so consistently. A good bit of my energy is spent figuring out what I can eat that will give me a little bit of relief. What sounds good one days is revolting the next. I do have some periods of relief during the day - usually in the late afternoon.

While my symptoms are reassuring, I can't help but worry. What if we don't see a heartbeat? What if we have a blighted ovum? What if it's a molar pregnancy? A chromosomal abnormality? I worry that something I eat with contain some bacteria that is deadly to our little one. I worry that I don't have some symptoms that I thought I'd have - that I'm not peeing enough or tired enough. I worry when my symptoms disappear for just a little while.

Even though things seem to be going well, after all we've been through, it just seems a little hard to believe that this could be the time that things actually work. But I do feel very pregnant, which gives me hope. I'm holding on to that hope as tight as I can.

2,038

Beta from 17 dpo (4w,4d) was 2,038. That's a doubling time of 35.5 hours.

So, we have good news again.

But for the past two days, I've been especially worried. I'm having some symptoms, but there are many times throughout the day when I don't feel pregnant at all, and I start to freak out that something is wrong.

John and I were talking last night about how I'm having trouble getting anything done. Housework, regular work - anything. I feel like it takes more effort than I can muster to do just about anything. I think part of it is because I am really tired - particularly in the afternoons and evenings. But I also think that part of why I can't get myself to focus is because a tiny bit of me just wants to fast forward through the whole pregnancy thing and have the baby in my arms already. I have a long way to go in figuring out how to manage - to exist in - this constant state of not knowing. It's like zoning out is the best way to handle it right now.

But I know I better figure out some other ways of dealing. I have a huge show coming up in two weeks - my first juried show - and I want it to be really successful. Right now, I'm not sure how I'm going to crank out all of the pieces I need to have a full display.

And I know that this is only the beginning. I will hopefully have many more weeks and months of this pregnancy ahead of me, and then hopefully parenthood will follow with a whole new set of unknowns to worry about.

Anyone have any suggestions on how to get through this?

4 weeks, 4 days

I've only known I am pregnant for a week, but it feels like forever. I had forgotten just how slowly these first few weeks go by.

But, first, let me say - Wow! You all totally rock. It is amazing to see all of the comments on this weblog and to know how many people are rooting for us. How could anyone go through this alone?

I haven't had any more betas done since 11 dpo, although I did just call and ask for another one. My intuition is telling me that everything is alright - and I'm trying to go with that. I've felt a little more nervous than usual today, but in general, I feel really at peace with everything. Which is totally weird - for me, anyway. I'm really trying to let myself enjoy being pregnant. There's no use trying to distance myself or not get attached - it's much too late for that.

As for symptoms, here they are:

o  My biggest symptom is fatigue. I don't remember it setting in this early before. I'm taking at least one nap a day, and by about 8 pm, I'm totally done.

o  I'm really hungry. Really, really hungry. If I don't snack all day, my brain starts to shut down and I can't function.

o I started having heart palpitations yesterday

o  My teeth feel like they're in need of brushing all of the time. This happened to me last time, but I had forgotten about it.

o I have crazy blue veins all over my breasts, chest, neck, arms, and stomach.

o I'm ridiculously grumpy (a nicer word to use than bitchy, which is probably more accurate). Poor John.

o I've been getting queasy around 10:30 am every morning.

o Headaches throughout the day.

o Very sore in the chest region

o Craving cheese. Lots and lots of cheese.

I'm sure there's more, but I'm hitting one of those parts of the day where I just can't think. I think it's time for a nap.

One more thing...I haven't been able to stop myself from continuing to take tests. Here's a comparison of 14 dpo and 16 dpo - test line is on the left.

The lines getting darker is good, right? Please?

23.6 hours

That's my hcg doubling time.

9 dpo level was 30. 

11 dpo level was 123.

I've never had levels rise so quickly.

This is good news. Very good news. I can hardly believe it.

I scheduled our first ultrasound for 9/25, but I have to call and reschedule because John can't make the appointment.

More later. I have to let this sink in.

no news

First, let me thank all of you for your lovely comments, for your support, for your hope. It means the world to me. It's nice to know that we have so many people cheering us on.

I spent yesterday at the 17th Street Farmer's Market selling my jewelry. And tightly clutching my phone, waiting for the nurse to call.

She never did.

It was Saturday, I know. Maybe she forgot. Maybe the labs didn't come back. I had just hoped to know something. But tomorrow we will have news for sure.

It was good to be at the market. It was a busy day, which was a nice distraction.

In efforts to ease my mind, I've been obsessively continued taking pregnancy tests (thank goodness for Dollar Tree tests!).  I used my last FRER test yesterday afternoon. I was pleased to see that, at 12 dpo, the test line was almost as dark as the control. I know they say that you can't really gauge much by the darkness of the line, but it's still nice to see the color deepen. It gives me a little bit of hope.

I'll post an update tomorrow.

a heavy heart

My heart is heavy with news of Sara's second miscarriage. Please go give her your love.

maybe?

A light positive on a FRER at 9 dpo.

Beta was 30 at 9 dpo. Progesterone is 39.

I've never had a test come positive this early. I'm hoping this is a good sign.

Now we move into the anxious days and weeks ahead. A million things could go wrong. But maybe they won't. Maybe, just this once, it will work.

I've been having a lot of symptoms for the past few days, which is why I tested so early.

My ACA and APA panels came back negative, so we're only using prometrium and baby aspirin, just like before.

I'm cautiously hopeful.

Please let this work this time. Please.