lost

First, let me thank all of you for all of your kind words, comments, emails, and support. I can really feel all of the energy of everyone helping to hold me up, helping me to hold onto hope. I'm needing a lot of help with the holding onto hope part these days. I feel so blessed to know there are so many people care enough about us to pause for a moment and send a message of care and concern.

Last week was such a busy week for me. I sold my jewelry at a local market on Tuesday and again on Saturday and Sunday, and when I wasn't selling, I was busy at home working on a writing project and trying to build up my inventory and catch up on online orders. It's a funny thing trying to run your own show. Before, I had no problem taking time off to let myself grieve and process what I was going through. I knew that things would keep moving if I wasn't there. But now, it's so much harder to do that.

The business certainly distracted me, and for a few days there, I really felt like I was doing okay. I didn't let myself stop long enough even begin to pay attention to what I'm feeling. What I did know was that I was in an awful mood. I have been angry and short-tempered and pessimistic and feeling in a funk all week. But still, I kept going.

On Sunday night, I received an email from a friend from high school. A group of us had been planning to get together for dinner on Monday night. She was writing to let me know that she is pregnant again, with her third child. She's experienced loss and struggle to have a family herself, and the two of us have talked quite a bit about how difficult all of this is. I was so thankful that she had let me know in advance so that I could make a decision about whether or not to go. I decided not to, and I really think it was for the best.

After reading her email, I burst into tears and sobbed uncontrollably for about 30 minutes. All of those feelings my business was hiding came rushing to the surface. I've felt like an emotional mess for the past 36 hours. So, I'm thankful that she spared me a painful evening, but also that her news brought all of these feelings to the surface. It's not the place I want to be, but I know that I need to work through all of this.

I'm feeling really scared. And hopeless. And angry that this is so hard for us. I've really started to feel like it's never going to happen. The question "what if we really can't have our own child?" has been running through my head non-stop. Even when I've been feeling hopeless over the past couple of years, I've never completely given up. But now I feel different. I have no idea how we would afford IVF, or how anyone affords it for that matter. I don't even know if that's a route that we would want to take. We've talked a tiny bit about adoption, but I think up until this point, we've been able to hold onto some sort of hope that it will work somehow.

John is much more positive and hopeful about all of this than I am. It's good that one of us is hopeful. I just can't seem to feel much hope right now.

Perhaps I'll feel better after we talk with our RE next week. We're going to ask about my ridiculously light periods (since using clomid at the beginning of the year), about more testing, about a sperm analysis. So far, outside of low progesterone, the tests have shown nothing that would be causing all of these losses. Nothing.

There's got to be something else, right? Something that could help explain all of this loss and pain, to help me make sense of it all?

I just feel so lost right now.

Comments

[Ms. Planner]

Nikole - I just want to let you know how sorry I am for this loss for you along with the hopeless and dark feelings that have gathered on its heels. No one deserves any of this. It BLOWS. I am wishing some comfort comes your way soon.

As for your light periods while on clomid, I had the same experience. I was on clomid for only 1 month (for the Clomid Challenge Test after m/c #2) and my period was 1.5 days that month. I asked my RE about it and, apparently, in some women, clomid can mess with your endometrial lining, which is why a lot of RE's measure the thickness of a patient's lining during clomid-enhanced ART. I don't mean to stir anything up, but it is something you should ask your RE about.

Thinking of you and, again, so sorry about this loss for you.

[soralis]

Thinking about you.. I am so sorry that you are still going through so much.

[Kath]

Dear Nikole, I am so sorry to read this. Though it must have been awful, it's a very good thing you finally got a chance to let it all out -- I can just imagine how the knot in your stomach was growing.

I hope so very much that your RE will be able to help. Thinking of you and sending you much love and hope.

[SaraS-P]

I wish I could provide answers for you, give you some clarity, some illumination on the path.

Clomid thinned my lining, too. After always being a seriously thick, heavy flow person, I had fairly thin and light periods while on Clomid, especially at high dosage.

You don't deserve any of the losses you've had to endure. That's about all I can say. Oh, and I wish your life would get better and you'd get answers.

[megan]

oh, Nikole. i'm so sorry. i wish there was something i could do to make it better. i'm glad your friend let you know ahead of time so you could make the decision to protect yourself. i hope your RE is able to give you some answers. . . or at least get you on the path that will give you answers.

[Lillian_Mae]

Nikole,

First, hugs! I am sorry you are feeling so lost, this venture of getting pregnant isn't easy. I know how you feel about being lost and not having hope. It sucks, because I can't even promise you it will get better. I remember many nights researching adoption on the internet feeling like I could never have a child. There is truely nothing anyone can say to make it easier on you. You just have to search within your own heart and document your feelings. In someways it relieves some of the pain. It is weird to write this, but I am glad that you were able to take the time and acknowledge your loss. As much as one would like to never experience them it is better to acknowledge it.

Also, I know clomid can thin your lining and thus cause you short/low-flow periods. But it seemed that prometrium wasn't doing much to help your progesterone. Are you thinking of doing more 7 dpo tests to check your progesterone levels? Just wondering if prometrium didn't work, is there anything your acu can do?

Just curious if you have ever been in for an u/s around cd 14? I did and realized my egg was ready to ovulate, but sat around for a week to do so. So when it did it wasn't in the best condition. Is this possible for you? If so, we started with a trigger shot to make me ovulate at cd 14 after an u/s to verify I was ready. Then we did the natural approach. But I guess you could couple that with an IUI. But I would only do an IUI if John's sperm were really that dead. Anymore testing you can do on him?

I would just hate to see you go through so much when it may not be necessary. Because all the treatments alone can be hard on a person, feeling like a pin cushion isn't fun.

I just want you to know that I think of you daily and am here for you.

[Mary Ellen]

I am thinking of you honey, and I am so sorry for all that you have been through. It just isn't fair. Hugs.

[theoneliner(christina)]

you two are right...it shouldn't be this hard. i am glad that you are headed to the RE. It sounds like a lot still needs to be tested. John has had a s/a before, right? I read somewhere that sometimes sperm cause m/c's. ; ( If insurance pays for it, and if you guys haven't, get your DNA tested, especially his.

hoping that you get the answers that you need.
xoxo
christina

[Serenity]

Oh, how I hate that fear. And the feelings of failure that the fear brings out, too.

Lean on your husband, use his hope to bolster yours. That's all you can do during times like these.

*hug*

I am hoping you get answers and come out with a newfound sense of peace after you meet with your RE.

[Drowned Girl]

I'm so sorry. I hope you can get some ideas and move forward. The feeling of hopelessness and lack of control is awful, I know

xx

[thalia]

There is just such a lot of loss to deal with in so many ways through this process, and you have certainly had more than your fair share. I'm hoping you get some answers, although I do feel that the 'why' question is never really one that gets answered in this process. I am sorry.

[ali]

Just some assvice here--but wondering if you would be a good candidate for IVF with PGD?

[Beautiful Curve]

I know plenty of women whom have had abortions, and then at the drop of a hat they are pregnant. I lost my precious first and only child at 22 weeks gestation?

Why? I hate this too.

But one day our day will come.
I send you the biggest hug ever, from soemeon who 'gets it'.

[JJ]

I just wanted to come back and give another hug...that "uncontrollable cry" is so painful--unlike any other cry. I am so sorry for your heartache--the "why" questions is what is so hard. I wish I had the answer....

[watson]

Oh Nikole,

I am so, so sorry...you've dealt with so much loss and I can't imagine how painful this must be.

Please know I'm thinking of you and sending you light and love,

Watson

[MoMo]

Nikole-I am so sorry about everything you are going thru--I wish there is something that I can say to make it better-but I know there are just no words. I just want you to know that I am thinking of you.

[Rainmaker]

Sorry that you had to go through this again. If it's any consolation, you give others out there hope. Some of us look forward to your writing simply because it helps us feel not so alone. If you choose IVF, I would suggest genetic/chromosomal testing of the eggs prior to implantation. Also, I always hear about people having a full blood panel done, including the thyroid. If nothing else, maybe meditation. Wishing you luck and continued grace.

[jv]

Hi Nikole, I can feel your pain and I'm very sorry. I have had past experiences similar to yours. I know it's a lot of money and possibly debt to get into, but I'd suggest you look into IVF with PGD. And in the mean time, have you thought about trying Femara? It was so much better than Clomid for me, giving me a nice 3-follies response and none of the destructive side effects. Sending you a hug and hopeful thoughts.

[Jenny]

Hi Nikole, I just saw this post and learned of your loss. What an incredible crusher. I know the feeling of everything being more or less OK and then a trigger of some kind opens the floodgates. I am so sorry. You may be weary of weird advice, but when you are up to it, you might check out Dr. Alan Beer's reproductive immunology theories ("Is Your Body Baby Friendly?") and get tested, if your insurance will cover it, for hyperactive white blood cells that are not recognizing your pregnancies and attacking them, as they would an organ transplant or other foreign body. I searched for Richmond docs that have worked with Dr Beer's clinic: Michael Edelstein M.D., 10710 Midlothian Turnpike and James Carney M.D., 2221 Edward Holland Drive. If your immune system is overreacting, they give you a low-dose of corticosteroids to calm it down. Apparently it often works for people with 3+ IVF failures. Not sure if this is at all relevant, but wishing you all the luck in the world.

[Lillian_Mae]

Any updates about your appointment with the RE? Still thinking of you!!!

[Rachael]

I feel you. I'm going through what you are going through. We have been trying to get pregnant for over 2 years now and have had every test there is. I have one mysteiously blocked tube and one good one. Several times over the past 2 yrs I have turned a test+, become excited, then started to bleed. This just happened to me this week. It was my first cycle on Clomid. 9 and 10 dpo I turned tests positive. 11 dpo - test and spotting. Now I'm having a light period. Much lighter than usual. I continue to turn tests -. The very day i relaized it was happening again, I was at work and working REALLY hard on positive thinking. My coworker/friend turned to me and said "Hey did you know Aaron's wife is pregnant". I felt gutted and started to cry uncontrollably. It was very embarrasing for both myself and my friend as I had not told him what I was going through yet. Good luck to you.