Yesterday's 13 dpo pregnancy test showed a very faint pink line (on a dollar tree HPT). I called the RE's office to set up my beta blood test and tried not to think about it too much all day. I was surprised that the test was positive because even though I have been feeling pregnant for several days, I had already had several negative tests (HPT's). I was a nervous, but hopeful. At 4 pm, I called the RE's office for the results.
My beta came back at 6.
I'm surprised the test even showed up positive.
The nurse said that our RE was hopeful, that he was hoping that maybe I was just really early. I go in for a repeat beta on Monday.
My gut is telling me that a beta level of 6 at 13 dpo is not good news at all, that this little spark of life is destined to flicker out very soon.
I took another test this morning, and it was negative. It was a different type, so perhaps less sensitive, but I'm guessing that the levels just aren't rising.
This is my fifth pregnancy, and probably will be my fifth loss.
I feel hopeless, defeated. I feel like we might never have a baby. I feel angry that this is so difficult. I need answers where there are none.
I also have a hunch that we've probably conceived several times over the past year of trying, but that the levels never rose high enough to be detected on an HPT. I could certainly be wrong about that; it's just what my intuition tells me.
Why is this so hard?
I am so sorry. It is all wrong and unfair! I have no clue why it has to be so hard. I have thought that a lot recently. This week was my m/c week last year. Still no baby!
Posted by: Sunny | August 04, 2007 at 07:45 PM
I'm so sorry. It is so incredibly awful and unfair.
Posted by: ali | August 04, 2007 at 09:16 PM
oh sweetie, i'm so sorry. it is *so* hard and so ridiculously unfair.
Posted by: megan | August 04, 2007 at 10:06 PM
I'm sorry.
Posted by: christine | August 04, 2007 at 11:57 PM
Oh, Nikole, I'm so sorry.
Posted by: Kath | August 05, 2007 at 03:41 AM
I'm so sorry, it must be a really shocking realisation to come to.
Posted by: thalia | August 05, 2007 at 04:37 PM
I'm so sorry, Nikole. :(
Posted by: Serenity | August 05, 2007 at 05:19 PM
Those barely positive betas seem extra cruel. (I've gotten a lovely 5 in the past and hit the floor, the wall, yelled, and cried and cried). There is no reason in the world for things to be this hard.
Much love to you.
Posted by: Christy | August 05, 2007 at 10:51 PM
I'm so sorry, Nikole. The chemical pregnancy mindf*ck is a nightmare. It shouldn't have to be this hard.
Posted by: Zee | August 06, 2007 at 02:03 AM
Oh.you.poor.thing. Awful, awful, awful. I am the chemical pregnancy queen. MY RE thinks that we are getting pregnant month after month...but that it is just not sticking.
Its a horrible place to be.
Although, it is still early and those HPT's are not exact.
Hoping against hope which is what us infertiles do best.
xoxo
Posted by: theoneliner(christina) | August 06, 2007 at 07:07 AM
Just want to send you hugs and let you know Im thinking of you and I love you lots, Amy
Posted by: Amy from Spirit Babies | August 06, 2007 at 10:49 AM
Nikole, Thinking of you and still thinking positive for you. Hugs and Love.
Posted by: mollyk | August 06, 2007 at 01:57 PM
I am so so sorry Nikole. This is just so unfair. Sending you strength across the wires.
Posted by: Michele from Spirit Babies | August 06, 2007 at 11:36 PM
I am so sorry that you have to go through this much uncertainty and pain. It just isn't fair and I wish there was something I could do to help. I think of you often and you are in my prayers.
Posted by: Audrey | August 09, 2007 at 12:37 AM