low

Remember those positive, optimistic posts I've been writing? This won't be one of them. I hit a low today, and I'm back to feeling hopeless and sad and frustrated. I'm 12 dpo, and I'm about 99.99% positive that this cycle didn't work out. Sure, it could be too early, but I know in my heart that I'm not pregnant.

I walked by the maternity section in Target tonight, and I felt this incredible sadness wash over me. It feels like our dream of a baby is getting further and further away. I know I was one of the lucky ones - my first four times, I got pregnant without much effort at all. So this 5 months of no pregnancy is really baffling me. And knowing that we have a pretty significant history of miscarriage coupled with a higher risk for a baby with a trisomy in the future (which often leads to miscarriage), I just feel hopeless.

To top it off, I spent the day running back and forth to the vet. We had Rilo's final appointment for puppy vaccinations this morning, and early this afternoon, I discovered that she has blood in her urine. An amout significant enough to be visible to me, so quite a bit. The vet ran a urinalysis, and she has low levels of white blood cells along with very dilute urine, which lead him to believe that something is going on with her kidneys. Hopefully, it's nothing serious. We should know more tomorrow.

I think I'm going to make myself another of these (I sold this one) and not take it off until things are looking much, much brighter.

Comments

[N]

Putting HOPE around your neck certainly helps - I can tell you from personal experience. It doesn't make you pregnant or the puppy stop chewing on your shoes but at least it reminds you that there is something (hope) to hold on to for the future.

Hope all is well with Rilo today.

Hugs

['Nilla @ Vanilla Dreams]

I just recently found your blog, so thought I would drop in and say hello.

I so, so, so feel the same. After four embryo transfers and three pregnancies, none of which resulted in a "live take home baby", I have lost all hope. We have at least four blastocysts currently frozen, but really, I have no faith that anything will come of them.

So, I get what you are saying, and I'm sorry to hear that you are in this place, too.

Btw, that's a beautiful necklace -- I saw it when Nina posted the photo on her site. You do lovely work.

Your puppy is adorable! I hope the puppy is okay and the vet finds nothing seriously wrong. What breed is Rilo? We have an Australian Shepherd puppy -- she's about 10 months old now. There are days when I think, "What did we do before we had Scarlett?" I can't imagine my life without her now, and she is the one of the biggest things in my life that helps hold me together...somewhat. I hope that your puppy is that kind of comfort to you as well! :)

I'm sorry to hear of your prior miscarriages, and that you are in this place right now.

Hoping that Hope makes its way back to you soon...

xx
Nilla

[Mary Ellen]

This is my first time visiting. I am sorry that you are not feeling hopeful about this cycle. I hope that wearing that beautiful necklace helps you find hope again.

Your puppy is adorable, and I hope that whatever is going on with her is not serious.

[SaraS-P]

So sorry about Rilo. Hope things turn out ok.

I can relate somewhat to the frustration of getting pregnant fairly easily and then miscarrying and not getting pregnant again. Granted, I did not have 4 miscarriages, which has to make it so much more frustrating. But, it's like you get a taste of the joy and excitement of pregnancy, only to have it snatched away.

I wish we could both reclaim that joy and excitement, and have it last to a birth.

[Kristen]

I am also a newbie to your blog but wanted to send you a comment.

I love your jewelry, especially the Hope necklace. Simply beautiful and exactly what all subfertile women need to hang onto. I need me one of those! It may not cause pregnancy but at least you will have a reminder of what makes this all worthwhile.

I'm so sorry about your puppy. I hope everything is okay with her and that housebreaking is going better each day. Just think: you'll be a pro when the baby comes along :)

[Samantha]

Your puppy is so cute, and I hope he is ok!

I love the necklace, it is sooo pretty! You did an awesome job.

I'm sorry you are hitting a low point, we all have them. I hope things look up soon! (hugs) and (prayers) going your way!

[Rebecca_and_Joe_Lewis]

I love you, dear Sister. My thought, prayers, hopes and love are with you each day as you face these challenges. I think you should put that beautiful necklace on and wear it proudly. Sometimes we need something outside of ourselves to remind us of the hope we have within us, but just can't seem to find. Whatever it is that reminds us to have hope, faith, dreams and peace is well worth wearing. Love, Rebecca

[thalia]

Try not to let the wait freak you out too much. Even in very fertile people, some eggs and some sperm just don't make the right embryos. I'm hoping it happens for you soon so you don't have to keep on going through all this disappointment.

The puppy is lovely, I hope she feels better soon.

[Lady In Waiting]

Really glad to hear from you, but really sad that you are feeling so down.

That necklace is a great idea. And hopefully the little pup will be back to great health in no time so that she can bring you some much-needed joy.

[joriel]

As always, I'm thinking of you and hoping for your hopes to become realities. You've been through so much and yet you continue to shine so brightly.

Give Rilo a snorgle from me, since I haven't had the pleasure of meeting her yet. My fingers are crossed that the vet will be able to fix her up pronto.

[Sunny]

UGH I hate lows. I am in the middle of a low point. It felt so good to soar. It felt good to have a little hope. Now I am just low. At least we can be low together. How's that for encouragement? HA! Seriously HOLD TIGHT to that hope that is just a small seed. Let your friends water it for you.

LOVE THE NECKLACE. :) I can't wait to buy mine!

[megan]

sorry to hear you are feeling so low. i hope there is a high point around the corner for you. sometimes i feel like there is no inbetween the highs and lows. i hope you make yourself another hope necklace and keep it close. foster all of the hope you can and take good care of yourself. sorry too to hear about Rilo. i hope all is well.

[megan]

crap. my comment has the wrong link...better now.

[Erin]

I just wanted to say what a beautiful necklace that is!!! So fitting, too.