release

A while ago, I realized that I'm no longer feeling as bitter about my so far unsuccessful attempts to sustain a pregnancy. It surprised me, and I wish that I could recall just when this transition began to take place. I'm certain that I didn't just wake up one morning in this new frame of mind, and, for my own purposes, I'd like to be able to document it as a part of this journey. I just simply can't remember the last time I saw a pregnant woman or a tiny baby and my heart uncomfortably swelled with jealousy. My best guess is that it began when more light started to filter into my world at the end of last year, as I made plans to leave my job. But no matter when it started, I'm grateful to be in this particular space.

I didn't even feel bitter when a woman on the pregnancy loss message board that I have been a part of since fall 2005 announced this week that she was pregnant. I was truly happy for her, filled with hope that she may soon have her much-wanted second child. There are only two of us left now still trying to conceive. I counted, and since I became a part of the board, twenty-one women have become pregnant and moved on. Many of them have already given birth. I decided to step back from that place - there's hardly any activity there anymore, and the one remaining TTC'er and I have decided to stay in touch off the board. Right now, it just seems empty, and that's not how I want to feel.

I think this mental and emotional transition is a also result of me consciously trying to approach my life in a different way. I'm much more focused on living in the present, on being thankful for the blessings in my life. I realized how much of my energy was spent focusing on the future, hoping that one day - one day - I would have my baby and then my life would be complete. Except that it wouldn't be.

I feel like I've always been waiting for something to happen that would allow me to truly experience happiness and fulfillment - that job, a life partner, a house, a better relationship with my father. But what I'm learning is that I was really searching for me - for my true, authentic self - for the me that I've always wanted to become. Right now, my life feels so full - full of lightness and love and possibility. I can't recall ever feeling this way. For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm really coming into myself. I am getting to know hidden parts of myself that have stayed tucked away for far too long.

Each morning, I consciously open my arms wide, welcoming the day, inviting the energy of the Universe to feed my spirit. I'm trying my best to be awake to this very moment, to love with my whole heart, to look fear in the face and take a step forward.

Right now, I am thankful for this day, for this life and for all of the possibilities in this very moment.

Comments

[angie]

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[angie]

that didn't work. sorry. i was trying to use characters that the computer didn't like. it went something like this: ~~~HUG~~~

[Momma Bee]

You are one amazing woman, and I'm sorry I haven't been around more to tell you that. Always checking in on you, though, and always sending good vibes. Also holding out all sorts of hope for you...

[John]

You're beautiful, and you rock.

[Em]

This post is truly inspiring.

[Andi]

What a fabulous post!

[SaraS-P]

The left behind phenomenon is becoming a fear of mine. At first, my online buddies and I were all working towards the same goal, but, now, already, many if not most have moved on and are decorating nurseries and a couple even packing that suitcase for delivery day. I take comfort in finding new bloggers who are still trying. I love to hear about the successes, but so often I need to read that others are struggling, too.

I am glad that your struggle is no longer consuming you (it is so easy to let that happen). The job change has got to be a huge help, as will embracing your creativity, I am sure. Best of luck with everything you are working on!

[Sunny]

Isn't it nice to be in a good place? I have gotten there myself after a very long time. The yuck feelings still come and go at times.

I am also with you on the boards. I am the only one left on both of my boards not pregnant. On one of them they are all having their seconds now. That is hard!

HUGS to you!!!

[Kath]

Dear Nikole, I'm so sorry I'm only catching up now. What a beautiful post that was, and what a beautiful spirit it was written in. I am so glad your inner journey is taking you to such lovely and inspiring places.

And I am hoping so hard for you that everything falls into place for you very soon.

[Alice]

Oh my god. I know exactly what you mean about opening yourself wider and wider each day for this thing that will fulfill you and your heart. I'm feeling time slip away big time. I keep counting..how many birthdays have I had since TTC? 2. How long have we been trying since the last miscarriages? a year. It's just so brutal how our lives are punctuated by how long this is taking. We just want our babies.