babylust

practice

I imagine that bringing our new puppy, Rilo, into our home is giving us the tiniest taste of what parenthood will be like. It's been a long and difficult three days. I feel like we've had a rambunctious toddler transplanted into our household without the benefit of a couple of years together to establish some form of working communication. Since she arrived, the conversation between John and I has pretty much been limited to the following:

1. strategies for getting the puppy to stop barking or crying
2. the best way to house-train the puppy
3. the last time the puppy pooped or peed
4. how to go about the routine tasks of living while managing the puppy
5. how to puppy-proof the house and keep the puppy from chewing everything in sight

We're both exhausted. It seems that everything else in our lives has stopped. I think we're both a little ashamed to admit it, but more than once, we've discussed whether or not we are up to it, whether we should take her back to the rescue organization. We've asked ourselves how we'll ever be parents, if we're really cut out for this.

Rilo isn't a particularly bad puppy. She's just a puppy. In fact, she's a really cute puppy. I think she's very smart, and a fast learner. She gets along well with the dogs next door and seems completely uninterested in devouring our felines. I imagine that in a few weeks, we'll look back and be amazed at how far she's come in such a short time. I look forward to when she is a bit bigger and we can take her for walks and to the dog park and out on other adventures.

At the same time, I want to enjoy these times with her, while she is still small and cuddly and only 8 pounds. I enjoy her silliness, her curiosity. It makes me feel all fuzzy to see how excited she gets to see me.

It's been tough, but I imagine that this is really good practice for what lies ahead.

growing our family

Yesterday, our new pup, Rilo arrived. She's 11 weeks old, and we got adopted her from a local rescue organization. We had a little bit of a rough night, but we're hopeful that we will all continue to adjust and will settle into somewhat of a routine sometime soon. Here's a glimpse of her:

release

A while ago, I realized that I'm no longer feeling as bitter about my so far unsuccessful attempts to sustain a pregnancy. It surprised me, and I wish that I could recall just when this transition began to take place. I'm certain that I didn't just wake up one morning in this new frame of mind, and, for my own purposes, I'd like to be able to document it as a part of this journey. I just simply can't remember the last time I saw a pregnant woman or a tiny baby and my heart uncomfortably swelled with jealousy. My best guess is that it began when more light started to filter into my world at the end of last year, as I made plans to leave my job. But no matter when it started, I'm grateful to be in this particular space.

I didn't even feel bitter when a woman on the pregnancy loss message board that I have been a part of since fall 2005 announced this week that she was pregnant. I was truly happy for her, filled with hope that she may soon have her much-wanted second child. There are only two of us left now still trying to conceive. I counted, and since I became a part of the board, twenty-one women have become pregnant and moved on. Many of them have already given birth. I decided to step back from that place - there's hardly any activity there anymore, and the one remaining TTC'er and I have decided to stay in touch off the board. Right now, it just seems empty, and that's not how I want to feel.

I think this mental and emotional transition is a also result of me consciously trying to approach my life in a different way. I'm much more focused on living in the present, on being thankful for the blessings in my life. I realized how much of my energy was spent focusing on the future, hoping that one day - one day - I would have my baby and then my life would be complete. Except that it wouldn't be.

I feel like I've always been waiting for something to happen that would allow me to truly experience happiness and fulfillment - that job, a life partner, a house, a better relationship with my father. But what I'm learning is that I was really searching for me - for my true, authentic self - for the me that I've always wanted to become. Right now, my life feels so full - full of lightness and love and possibility. I can't recall ever feeling this way. For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm really coming into myself. I am getting to know hidden parts of myself that have stayed tucked away for far too long.

Each morning, I consciously open my arms wide, welcoming the day, inviting the energy of the Universe to feed my spirit. I'm trying my best to be awake to this very moment, to love with my whole heart, to look fear in the face and take a step forward.

Right now, I am thankful for this day, for this life and for all of the possibilities in this very moment.

spot and a new start

Today, I read Sara's post about letting herself get excited. I felt exactly that way last week - I really was hopeful. I was having all the sypmtoms, breast tenderness and cramping and lots of other signs too. But no, I'm not pregnant. A new cycle has started, cycle #15. My body had me fooled.

I didn't expect to have more pregnancy "symptoms" using only prometrium than when using it in combination with clomid - that's what really threw me off. By the time I started spotting on 12 dpo, I was pretty sure that this cycle hadn't worked. I had spotting even using 200 mg of prometrium twice a day, so I'm not sure if using only prometrium is keeping my progesterone level high enough. I'm waiting to see how my period is before calling the RE to see if we need to reevaluate our plan.

I'm feeling surprisingly okay with things. I think this is mostly due to all of the energy I've been putting into my creative pursuits. In fact, I've started another weblog to document the journey of soul expansion I've embarked on during the past few months.  I debated about whether or not to simply expand my writing topics here at babylust, but I decided that I the best thing for me, for now, is to start from a fresh place. I'll still be posting here, but, if you choose, you can get to know me in new ways here.