effects

Here's a little of what I have been experiencing, physically and emotionally...

physical

I feel like each miscarriage (m/c) has been more difficult for my body to process and recover from. I think I mentioned in my last post that my most recent m/c was one of the most painful and frightening experiences of my life. Afterwards, I was exhausted. I began having heart palpitations. My acupuncturist advised that this was from blood loss and stagnated chi, and she was able to correct this in my first treatment after my loss. After the m/c in October, I developed a debilitating pain in my upper back. I had to miss a couple of days from work because the only position that was tolerable was lying flat on my back. I couldn’t sit up for more than an hour or so. I began receiving chiropractic care, continued with my acupuncture, and have treated myself to a couple of massages. The pain calmed down quite a bit, but since the latest m/c, it has reappeared. Clearly, I hold stress in my upper back (among other places).

My hormones were (and still are) raging. I have since learned that the most profound hormonal changes happen in the first few weeks of pregnancy. I still don’t feel like my hormones are back to normal. I believe they are behind some of the digestive issues (nausea, IBS) I have been experiencing, as well as a very painful abdomen.

 I lost my appetite (I have since found it again). I drank a little too much wine (I figured, hey, if I wasn't pregnant, I might as well). I stopped taking my vitamins and herbs, which I have now resumed. I couldn’t get enough sleep.

Many of you who know me well are familiar with my “ailments.” While I feel like my health in the past six months or so has been pretty good, there was a time when I felt awful. All of the time. I was dizzy, weak, and tired constantly. I felt nauseated much of the time. My immune system was weak. I caught every virus that anyone I knew had. My asthma flared up. I saw doctors and specialists. I had tests. All of my lab work was within normal limits. I was tested for food allergies, and discovered that I am allergic to nearly 30 foods. I was religious about my diet. I was a vegetarian. I cut out wheat, dairy, sugar, and alcohol. Nothing really seemed to help. This year, I have had some major scares with my digestive system. Thankfully, things are looking pretty good now, considering all that has happened in the past couple of months.

This is an issue that I really struggle with, because it embarrasses me. I feel ashamed. I feel weak. I hate to feel bad all of the time.

After John and I were married, we went to France for a honeymoon, where I felt absolutely fabulous the entire time, despite eating and drinking whatever I wanted, most of it things I wouldn’t let myself enjoy at home. It was then that I began to believe that stress and emotions might have been causing my body to protest. Looking back, it is quite obvious to me that many of these issues became a regular part of my existence after my first miscarriage. I believe that I never really dealt with the grief and sadness I experienced. I never really knew what that pregnancy meant to me, and therefore what I had lost. Because I felt shame around the circumstances of my first pregnancy, I didn’t really feel entitled to fully explore or acknowledge the loss.

Anyhow, with all of that said, my point is simply that I should have started listening to my body long, long ago.

emotional

While the physical aspects of my miscarriages have certainly been a big part of my experience, they really don’t even compare to what I have been experiencing emotionally. This is the first time in my life where I really wondered if I would be okay, if I would be able to get through a day without sobbing hysterically at least one time, if I would ever look forward to getting out of bed. Mostly, I feel wrapped in a thick blanket of sadness. It’s something that is always there, lingering. When someone asks me how I am doing, I break down in tears—I just can’t lie and say I’m fine. I feel withdrawn. It’s hard for me to answer the phone or return calls. Work seems impossible. Things that I don’t particularly enjoy during normal times seem insurmountable. I’m so tired by the end of the day that I can’t think about what to eat for dinner. I feel angry. I feel terrified of what lies ahead of us. I feel like everywhere I go, pregnant women or families with little babies surround me, and it is a constant reminder of what I don’t have (thankfully, spending time with the children of our friends still brings me joy). I’ve been doing a lot of feeling sorry for myself. I have horrible mood swings. I absolutely cannot handle any additional stress. I feel overwhelmed. Sobbing ensues if things don’t go how I expected them to. I can’t make decisions.

I feel withdrawn for many reasons. Mostly, I’m so exhausted from trying to keep it together all day that I have no energy left. I feel like it’s a big drag to talk to me because I’m so depressed. People with good intentions say the wrong thing, and I just can’t handle it. I feel guilty that I can’t remember what is going on in other people’s lives.

It can’t be fixed; I just have to work through it. And while John has been the most amazing support, the reality is that for most of what I’m feeling, I just have to work through on my own.

Whew…I’m tired just typing all of this out.