babylust

spreading hope : a giveaway

I'm doing a giveaway at my other blog. Click over to join in the fun.

starting over

An essay I wrote on babyloss and starting over appears in the January issue of Richmond Magazine. I am honored that the editors asked me to share my story, and I hope that someone out there is helped by reading about our journey. If you're local, go snag a copy - you can read my story, as well as six other inspiring essays about starting over.

{And thanks to Beth Furguson, who shot the photo that appears in the magazine. She was so much fun to work with!}

If you're looking for other current posts, you can find them here.

remembrance

my  jizo statue

Karen Maezen Miller, author of the fabulous, honest, and necessary book Momma Zen, as well as the loveliest of lovely blogs, Cheerio Road, writes today about "the hardest gone" - the loss of our children, born and unborn.

Next week, she'll be sharing words, traditions, and practices that offer guidance on embracing and coping with these most heavy of losses. She'll also be conducting services each day to honor and remember lost children. If you'd like her to include a child in her remembrance, visit her site, leaving the name in the comments section of her post.

Go. Share. Remember.

transition

I'll still be posting here occasionally, but for the most part, I will be writing on my other weblog - clearframe.

Stop by to say hello and to see baby Thea updates!

babylove

mama and baby:

fierce

At today's pediatrician appointment, Thea weighed in at a whopping 6 lbs, 14 oz. That's a gain of 11 ounces in 6 days. And I was worried that she wasn't gaining fast enough!

The doctor gave us the okay to follow her cues instead of sticking to the three hour feeding schedule - hopefully this will let me get a tad more sleep at night.

So, now we'll work on getting her off the shield. We meet with the lactation consultant next Wednesday, if we haven't figured it out on our own by then.

Wish us luck!

glow in the woods

If you haven't been here already, go right away. You will not leave untouched. Your pain will be held gently. Your voice will be heard.

What is glow in the woods?

from the website:

For mamas of still babies, tiny babies, lost potential of all kinds. 

In the beginning you stagger, disoriented, through this storm.

 

We want to be a glow through the trees, a golden refuge of log and glass. Stumble up the steps, shake off the snow and the crust and the stiffness, cross the threshold to be encircled by figures welcoming, nodding, easing you to a roaring fire and piping hot tea and wine and whoopie pies and whatever else warms you from the inside out.

 

Sink into a battered old sofa, tuck your feet under your legs, a woodsmokey quilt around your shoulders, fingers wrapped around a hot mug,

 

and be with us.

   

One of us, only half-joking, said this will be a place where us medusas can take off our hats, none minding the sight of all the snakes. Because not only can we bear the sight of each other—we crave it.

Babylost mamas, this place is yours.

Thanks to my friend Jen Lemen for pointing me in the direction of this site.

two weeks

Thea is two weeks old today. Here's a celebration in photos.

Waking up is hard work:

grow baby grow

My lovely friend (and amazing jewelry artist) Nancy made these matching bracelets for Thea and I. She suggested that I could wear my bracelet to help me with breastfeeding - the bracelet could be moved from wrist to wrist to remind me which breast to start nursing on during Thea's next feeding. This thoughtful and beautiful gift has been especially helpful. Feeding Thea - or some aspect of breastfeeding - has been just about all I've been able to manage this week.

Monday, we met with Thea's pediatrician for her first appointment. She gave us the green light to stop supplementing with formula and to try exclusively breastfeeding. So we did. Tuesday afternoon, we met with a lactation consultant. She promptly informed me that the bright red areas and soreness on my breasts were NOT normal and that I was on the verge of mastitis, a breast infection. She walked us through the basics of positions, latch, and a feeding routine. I had been having difficulty getting Thea to latch on to my nipple while Thea was in the progressive care nursery, and the hospital's lactation consultant got us started using a nipple shield. The LC we met with on Tuesday suggested that we continue using the shield until Thea is a bit stronger and able to latch on and suck a little better - probably another two weeks. We'll then go back for a follow-up to work on the transition to bare breast.

Because I'm using the shield, and because of my crazy milk production and the inflammation, she advised me to pump after each feeding session. Halfway through pumping, I am to apply a warm compress and massage to help empty my breasts. We finished our consultation with a lesson on pumping. I had been doing it all wrong (using the wrong settings on the pump) AND the folks at the hospital had gotten me started using the wrong size attachments, which were not allowing me to completely empty my breasts, leading to the clogged ducts and inflammation. After Thea's feeding session (where she drank two ounces),  I pumped another 5 ounces. And at one point I was worried about producing enough milk!

So, now we're following Thea's feeding cues, which means she generally wants to eat every 2-3 hours. With the nursing, pumping, and settling down of little Thea afterwards, I'm getting very little sleep. It seems like all I'm doing is feeding her or pumping, and it's starting to get a little old (the pumping, not the feeding). I keep telling myself that it's only for a couple more weeks, but it's exhausting. Last night, John got up with me at 3 am and gave her a bottle while I pumped. Then he stayed up with her while she settled down, and I got to go back to bed. It was heavenly. I'm trying not to feel guilty about giving her the bottle, and I keep reminding myself that a bottle a day is not going to ruin her learning to breastfeed, and that a healthy and rested mama is good for baby.

And, at our follow up appointment and weight check with the pediatrician today, Thea had gained 4 ounces since Monday - so we must be doing something right.

10 days old

Thea is 10 days old today.

I can hardly believe that she's finally here. I have never been more in love - both with her and with John (who, by the way, continues to prove himself to be the most amazing husband and father). I want to hold her pretty much all of the time, and I can't stop staring at her - it's like I need a constant visual reminder that she is finally here.

This post will surely be scattered because there's no other way to describe the state of my brain right now. I forget what I'm saying mid-sentence at least 5 times an hour.

Thea's birth story will follow, but not any time soon, I'm sure. I have a feeling I'll have to write it in bits and pieces.

I'm thankful that John has been keeping everyone updated on Thea through his weblog, because up until now, I just haven't been able to sit down long enough to type a complete post. Even though I live in the same house with him, I'm not quite sure how he manages it.

Thea is great - perfect, in fact. Our first couple of days home went very smoothly, although I continued to question the strict feeding schedule prescribed by the NICU. One good thing about it was that Thea always finished her feedings with an extremely full belly which ensured that she usually slept quite soundly until her next feeding three hours later. As nice as it was to get a bit of sleep, I worried that we were over feeding her and not responding to her natural feeding cues.

Then, last night, she decided that the schedule had to go, and kept me up for almost the whole night. Our baby who had been able to sleep pretty much ANYWHERE for the past 9 days decided that the only suitable place to sleep was curled up against my chest. Which is actually fine with me, except that I didn't feel comfortable falling asleep with her like this, so I was up for pretty much the entire night.

This morning, we made our way to the pediatrician. Thea has gained 2 oz since Friday, and our pedi gave us the green light to quit the "schedule" and formula and to start working off of Thea's cues for feeding. So far, it looks like she's feeding for about 5-10 minutes every hour. I feel like tonight might be another long night. But we've done much better than I expected (although I feel like I'm doing a pretty good job of not having expectations these days). Having Thea in my life makes it much easier to stay in the moment. With a newborn, it seems there's not much else you can do.

As for me, I'm doing well. I'm still taking the pain medicine, much to my dismay, but I'm trying to be patient with myself in my recovery. Surprisingly, my muscle issues have gone back to my pre-pregnancy state, and I am very thankful for that. I'm feeling stronger each day, looking much less anemic, and hoping I can sneak in a haircut sometime in the next couple of weeks. And I've already lost over 10 pounds. I'm sure most of it is water weight - I had tremendous swelling in my legs, ankles, and feet starting right after birth. I guess that's what I get for not having any swelling during my pregnancy. Thankfully, that is subsiding too.

So, for those of you who might be willing to share, I'm curious to know:

-If you had a cesarean birth, how long was your recovery? How long did the pain last for you?

-What was your early breast feeding schedule? How long did your baby feed? How long did your baby go between feedings?

And, without further delay...here's what I know you really came here looking for...

Bambina!

It's quite possible that Thea will never get any cuter than this!

A quick update from dad. Thea is still in the NICU, but her breathing is much better. She took a bottle this morning, and Nikole and I will be going down shortly so Thea's mom can bottle feed her for the first time. If all goes well, we'll go back at three so Nikole can learn to nurse our baby! Keep on cheering the new mom on; she's been doing so great, and is filled with quiet courage (as you all know so well).

Nikole and Thea hold each other for the first time ever! It was love at first sight for Nikole on Friday, and love at first sight for Thea yesterday morning.

Thea and her Omie (John's mom) meet each other late Saturday morning, while the best neonatal nurse in the entire universe, Lindsey, adjusts Thea's little IV.

Omie's got a girlfriend!

Nikole's mom spent an hour-and-a-half with Thea and Nikole yesterday evening.

Mother and daughter, together forever.

The baby does not have her father's nose!

Dad and baby after he lulled her off with a rendition of a Swell Season song -- "I don't know you/but I love you/all the more for that."

Delivery Day

This is dad. Nikole is sleeping. She got to meet Thea and snuggle her in the NICU for several hours today. Thea is, of course, lovely. She is having a little trouble with her respiration (it's fast) and her blood count is a touch low, so she's going to hang with the NICU kids for at least another day. But we can visit as often as we want...

I've posted a pretty detailed account of Thea's birthday over on my Garden of Words site. Nikole has been checking her emails and comments, but is pretty tired still. I'm also reading the emails that come my way to her as they pop onto my crackberry.

I know she'll have a lot to share with folks in the days and weeks to come.

Meet Thea

John and Nikole just before she's wheeled off to the grand introduction!

Thea Elizabeth Sarvay. Born 4:59 pm on Friday, April 18, 2008. Weight: 6 pounds and .6 ounces. Length: 19 inches.

Mee Maw's hand in Thea's grasp.

Thea meeting her Mee Maw.

Thea's little foot.

Thea's little hand.

The only man she'll ever love.

BFF!

It is 11:00 p.m. and Nikole has moved out of Labor and Delivery. We're back on the 3rd floor, where we spent a week earlier this month, and Nikole is trying to get some sleep. On the way upstairs, they wheeled us to the NICU so she could see our daughter -- the fattest baby in the NICU! She was so happy to see Thea, and sad she couldn't hold her, but we're hoping they'll move her out of the NICU tomorrow morning. We're here until Monday or Tuesday, and then head home for a new life as a family of three. All three of us want to thank all of you for your thoughts, prayers, emails, phone calls and powerful chains of love.

- John, Nikole and Thea Sarvay

Thea Elizabeth Sarvay

6 pounds. 19 inches. Healthy and happy. Mom is sleeping. Dad is tired. Thanks for the love.

Update

Today is the day.

Nikole and John are at the hospital preparing for birth. All are doing well. By the end of this afternoon, John and Nikole will be snuggling their newborn.

(posted by Jim Johns)

the most important time is now

This post was written last night, but I lost it all before I was able to post. I've tried to re-create it today.

My dear friend Nancy gave me this wonderful little rock nearly two years ago. It sits on my desk where it looks up at me every single day (until the bedrest, that is). It's been an important reminder for me - nudging me back into the present moment, helping me to not get too lost in worries of what the future does or doesn't hold.

I need my little rock now more than ever.

Last night, Nancy came over to bring us dinner and to keep me company while John went out to a meeting. We did a lot of talking about what would happen during the c-section, about how I was feeling, and about what I am afraid of. She helped me develop a list of affirmations that I can read and vocalize as I prepare for Bumble's birth. Here's what we came up with:

I am alive
TES is healthy
I am safe
I am strong
My body is capable of birth
I will be safe in birth
TES will be safe in birth
We will meet TES
I trust my doctors
TES will arrive exactly when she needs to
TES is in the position she needs to be in
I am calm
John loves me
I am supported
TES is happy

This morning, my mom added another one:

My mother and stepfather love me so very much

Today, I was able to talk to our doctor and to get our questions answered. Mostly, we were concerned with how things would be handled in an emergency situation. I think at this point, we feel as confident as we can going into surgery on the 22nd, but we were worried about how things would go if we have to go in before then. What if our doctor wasn't on call? Would the responding OB be aware of our situation and the precautions that need to be taken? Would extra blood be available for me and the baby?

She assured me that all of the doctors in the practice had been thoroughly briefed about what they would face during the c-section, so there would be no surprises. The surgery should proceed exactly as it would on the 22nd. She told me that she has given all of the doctors instructions to call her cell phone if I should come in so that she can try to make it, if at all possible. If she can't be there, they have been instructed to call the perinatologist. Hopefully, one of them would be present for the c-section. She told me about the emergency blood supply that will be available to both me and the baby within two minutes. She assured me that this is not the most complicated surgery that she has performed, and that while this situation is uncommon, she has seen it before. She feels very confident that things will go smoothly considering we know what we're up against in advance.

I also asked her about the necessity of performing the amnio, considering that there is a real potential for it to trigger contractions, labor, and therefore, more bleeding. She felt like we should still proceed with the procedure, and if the results show that Bumble's lungs are not developed, I'll be admitted to the hospital, where we can hopefully stick it out for another week.

I asked her about the risks she had mentioned. She said that there is a very, very strong probability of me needing a transfusion, but that she felt pretty sure the other risks (like a hysterectomy) were not very likely - just things she had to mention.

I feel much more at peace after talking with her. I'm now trying to put the fear aside and focus on the excitement of welcoming our daughter into our lives. I'm trying to enjoy every moment of feeling Bumble wiggle and turn and push, making herself and her strength known. I look down at my belly, watching it change shape with her movements. I hope that when I place my hands on my belly, she can feel the warmth of my love, and that she can sense how happy I am to be her mother, and how much I believe in her.

I do want to send my deepest gratitude for all of the kind comments, messages, emails, and phone calls. It has helped tremendously to know that there is so much love and support surrounding us. Please forgive me if I'm a bit delayed in responding to calls or messages - I have been feeling extremely exhausted and overwhelmed. But I do want to thank you all again for everything - John and I can't imagine what it would be like to be going through this alone.

Can you believe my pregnancy ticker marks 35 weeks today? Can you believe that there's only 10 days (or less!) until we meet our daughter?

because things weren't already complicated enough

Yesterday, John and I went in for another ultrasound and appointment with both the perinatologist and our OB. Everything looked good on the ultrasound - Bumble seems to be thriving, her blood flow looked good, and she was practicing her boxing. I had been concerned that at her last growth ultrasound, her belly was measuring a week behind, but the peri did a quick scan of it yesterday. It was measuring a couple of days ahead, so good news there too. We'll have our last growth scan next Tuesday to try to figure out how much the tiny girl will weigh when she meets the outside world.

As the big day gets closer, more and more questions keep popping into my head. One of them was about the amnio. I wasn't really sure what to expect with this - how it would feel, how long it would take, where it would be done, and what to expect afterwards. The peri walked us through all of this - she's had an amnio before, so she was able to tell me what to expect from that perspective too. She scanned my belly to look at the entire placenta and try to figure out where the amnio could be performed. She found a little place at the very top of my uterus, just beside my rib, that she thought would be a good place to do it.

We then discussed the plan for the amnio and what would happen afterwards. Because of the risk of triggering labor or contractions, which could very well lead to more bleeding, she was not comfortable with me having the procedure at one hospital and then traveling to the other hospital to be monitored.  We were thankful that she switched her schedule around so that the anmio could be done at our regular office/hospital, and then we would be able to go directly to labor & delivery for monitoring. This was one of our big questions/concerns for the day, so we felt much better about not having to travel between hospitals.

We then headed over to meet with our OB. The peri had gone over in advance to discuss the ultrasound findings so that everyone would be on the same page. Once we got back into the exam room, we started to have a sense that anxieties were rising. Our OB's office must be right next to the exam room, because we could hear the two of them talking for a bit of time. Our OB came in, and we immediately knew that it wouldn't be a normal appointment. I'm not sure why no one knew this before, but my placenta situation seems to be a particularly complicated one. Not only is it extremely vascular, particularly down around my cervix, it is also anterior, extending pretty much over the entire front of my uterus. Which is why the amnio has to be done way up next to my rib. The major concern is how to most safely deliver the baby. It seems that there is no way to make an incision to get the baby out without cutting through my placenta. Yes, the placenta that is basically just a very large bundle of blood vessels. Yes, the placenta that is the baby's lifeline, her entire blood supply.

So, this is where John and I start majorly freaking out.

The conversation continued. She talked about how it would be a complicated surgery, and wanted to prepare us for how tense things could be in the operating room. She warned us that there would be a lot of blood. She described the precautions that would be taken - extra surgeons and nurses, a blood supply in case I need a transfusion, and a team of neonatal staff to take care of the baby. She said that the surgery would have to happen very quickly to get the baby out as fast as possible and to remove my placenta in order to stop the bleeding. She mentioned the chance of me needing a hysterectomy, although she didn't feel like this was a big risk. An additional complication of placenta previa is placenta accreta, where the placenta attaches itself too deeply into the uterine wall, causing difficulty in removal. Thankfully, from the ultrasound exam, it doesn't look like this will be a problem for us, but it is hard to know until they actually get in there and see the situation first-hand.

During the conversation, it seemed like most of the risk was to me, and not to the baby, since our OB seemed pretty confident that they could get the baby out pretty quickly. We talked about my continued bed rest and the possibility of me having the baby sooner than our scheduled date. If I have another bleed, they will go ahead and deliver her, and from the looks of my placenta, they seemed to think another bleed was pretty likely (I think because of how vascular my placenta is around my cervix and because of the increasing pressure on the placenta as the baby gets larger). We talked about a plan for getting me to the hospital - whether we should drive ourselves or call an ambulance. Since we live less than 10 minutes from the hospital, it seems that unless I'm having a major hemorrhage, the best course of action would be for us to drive to the hospital directly.

John and I left the appointment dazed and anxious. When we got home, the fear set in.

I think I was too overwhelmed with all of the new information to really process it until we go home. Right now, the biggest emotion I'm feeling is fear. Fear that after everything, something will happen to the baby during delivery. Fear that I'll die during the surgery. Fear of how everything will be handled should I have to have an emergency c-section before our scheduled date.I slept fitfully last night, with all kinds of scenarios running through my restless mind and a long list of questions for the doctor developing in my head.

I'm also feeling a lot of frustration and anger. I feel like every time we go to the doctor, there is more information that changes the situation, making it more complicated and stressful. I feel frustrated that every time we come up with a plan to help us feel more empowered in our particular situation, to help us feel more connected to our daughter's entry into the world as a birth and not just a medical procedure, something changes, and we are thrown off-center, having to start all over again. I am really torn between wanting to get this over already and knowing that every day that Bumble is able to continue growing inside of me will help her be stronger and more ready to face the world on her own. But I'm seriously wondering how I'll get through the next two weeks.

I've been working on another post about how I've been feeling about having a cesarean birth, about the grief I've been feeling about not being able to deliver my daughter vaginally, about the lack of resources I've found to help me process the feelings I'm having. But really, now I'm feeling so overwhelmed with figuring out how to keep my daughter and me safe until and during delivery, that none of those other things really seem to matter any more. I'm sure I'll need to process them more later, but for now, it seems like there are more pressing matters requiring my mental and emotional energy.

I feel like John and I are truly learning lessons on adaptability, on how nothing is ever truly certain, on drawing on our inner strength to carry us through these stressful and uncertain times. But for now, I'm just tired and anxious, and more than ready to have my daughter safely in my arms so we can begin the next chapter of our lives together.

Today, I'm putting in a call to our OB to try to get some of our questions answered, so that we can start to create some peace of mind as we anticipate our daughter's arrival.

being brave on a rainy Saturday

I bought this sweet little ring from the talented and gorgeous and extremely kind Thea Coughlin, whose etsy shop is called Monarch (go get yourself one already!). It seemed to be just the perfect reminder as I was wrestling with all of my very big feelings around having a cesarean birth and facing increasing problems with my muscles. I only wish I had had one sooner. (and while you're on etsy, be sure to check out Thea's beautiful photography, which is nothing short of stunning).

Anyhow, posting a snapshot of this ring seemed especially appropriate today, considering we had a bit of a scare. I started spotting last night and having copious amounts of watery discharge. The spotting was brown, which means old blood and nothing fresh, so although it was heavier than it has been in recent days, I thought I would just go through the night and see how things looked in the morning.

I woke up today feeling really achy and crampy - not too different from how I felt just before the big bleed last week. The spotting had continued, but didn't seem to be any heavier. I tried to take it as easy as possible today, spending much of the day on my side and forgoing my much-anticipated scrub down. We ended up calling the doctor's office, and luckily, our own OB was on call. Her main concern was that my water had broken, but after monitoring things for the rest of the afternoon, I feel certain that no such thing has happened.

For now, things seem to have settled down. Bumble doesn't seem to be getting the message that kicking my placenta is not really in her best interest, so I'm hoping that things continue to remain stable despite her persistent jabs.

I am hopeful that won't have to be on my side all day tomorrow and it will be easier for me to type out some of the jumbled thoughts and emotions that have been knocking around in my head and heart over the past few weeks.

For now, it's back to the bed for what will hopefully be a restful night's sleep.

home sweet home

Well, hello there.

Thanks so much for all of your comments, thoughtful messages, and warm thoughts. John and I have once again been overwhelmed by all of the kindness and support that surround us on this journey. Each day, John has read me comments and email messages, and they have done so much to keep my spirits strong over this difficult past week and a half.

Last Wednesday ended up being a very scary day, although it started out as nothing out of the ordinary. I piddled around the house in the morning, and just after lunch time, John and I met with our pediatrician. I had done a little bit of shopping in the afternoon, trying to find some essentials so I could pack my hospital bag. I kept telling myself that I needed to go ahead and pack, just in case something happened, but I had been unable to find any underwear that I thought would not irritate my incision. Luckily, I was finally able to find some, as well as some new slippers. I met John at home, we ate dinner, and then headed off to our infant CPR class. After class, I was feeling some pressure and crampiness. Some days, it's hard to tell whether I'm actually cramping or if I just need to go to the bathroom. So, upon arriving home, I headed straight to the bathroom. As soon as I sat down, I felt a huge gush and looked down to a toilet full of bright red blood. I scrambled to find a pad and started walking through the house calling for John.

We immediately called the doctor on call and left a message through the answering service. The bleeding was heavy, so we decided to head directly to the emergency room before waiting for the doctor to call back. They got us into labor and delivery pretty quickly. I stripped down and put on a gown and bled all over the floor before I got onto the bed. In the next few minutes, they the fetal and contraction monitors strapped to my belly and an IV in my hand. My mom and stepfather, John's mom, and our friend Nancy were all close by. The doctor monitored the bleeding, which thankfully stopped within an hour or so. At one point, the anesthesiologist came in to talk about how things would proceed should I have to deliver that night. I got a shot in the rear - steroids to help the baby's lungs develop. John settled into the pullout couch for the night while I was monitored. I had contractions throughout the night, but they never seemed to progress, and thankfully, they didn't cause any additional bleeding. I think I finally fell asleep around 4:30 am.

I spent the next day on the monitors until we were released to be moved upstairs to the antepartum unit. Before making my exit, our lovely nurse Karen gave me a bed bath to clean me up.  I was so thankful for that little bit of refreshment that I didn't really care that I was sprawled out naked on a hospital bed with a stranger scrubbing me down. Any modesty I had left is gone after 4 days of using a bedpan. Those nurses are angels.

Really, I can't say enough good things about the care we received during our stay. The nurses were completely amazing - so upbeat and gentle and caring. I felt extremely well taken care of. During our stay, I met with a hospitalist (who was checking out my crazy heart palpitations), the neonatologist, two anesthesiologists, and the lactation consultant. All of them were great.

Honestly, the worst part of being there (besides the bedpan) was having that darn IV in my hand pretty much the whole time. It was really painful, and got more and more sore each day. It was difficult to not be able to type or write, or really even scroll easily on my laptop. The days went by pretty quickly, probably because there was someone coming to check on me or the baby nearly every hour. I came home from the hospital exhausted.

So, now I'm settled in at home for two weeks of strict bedrest. I can get up to use the bathroom and to briefly shower every other day. I spent nearly all day yesterday sleeping. I'm going to try to post frequently in the next couple of weeks, as I've been processing a lot of things that seem important to write about. But for now, I'm exhausted again, and I'm off to get my rest. I hear I better get it while I can.

Good Report and Continued Layover

Still the husband posting.

After a long weekend -- plenty of visits from a small cluster of family and friends, and a clandestine meeting with our puppy outside of the hospital -- Nikole went back for another ultrasound this morning. The specialist wasn't working at the hospital today, so we spent some time chatting with our favorite OB, Vienne Murray (who was ranked as one of the top OB's in town on account of her awesomeness).

Dr. Murray said she polled some of the other doctors in the practice about whether to release Nikole to bed rest at home or to keep her in the hospital. The verdict: Three more days and then we'll reassess. She said everything looked good. The baby is doing great, and all of the ultrasound readings were good. If she goes home on Wednesday or Thursday, it'll be under strict orders to do nothing but rest. We'll probably start planning for her to head home, but wait until we meet with Dr. Murray midweek.

When we got back, the nurse helped us relocate to a much larger room and Nikole has settled into bed. The nurse is trying to track down the wiggle worm's heartbeat, but she keeps squirming away from the monitor. For the next few days, Nikole will take it easy -- she has the Internet, plenty of books and magazines, her cellphone and visits from assorted nurses to keep her distracted. I'll head back to work tomorrow, and stop by for breakfast, lunch and our evening movie dates until she gets sent home.

Thanks again to everyone for the support, the emails, the offers to take the dog off our hands (you people have no idea what you'd be getting into) and the flowers, gifts and food. Since our situation is so fluid right now, we're going to hold off on any organized airlift or super-schedules. After our next chat with Dr. Murray later this week, we'll assess what we need and how people can help us out. Thanks again. It means a lot to be surrounded by so many caring people.

Saturday Update from Dad

Yes, the husband again. Hopefully, Nikole's IV will let her post again soon.

Everyone is still doing good. We had a visit with our doctors yesterday -- all updated at my Garden of Words site. Thanks again for the emails and comments and thoughts; we both really appreciate them!

This Is the Husband Reporting In

Still the husband reporting.

Nikole is fine. Bumble is fine. It looks like we're hanging out at the hospital for 24 days.

I have a detailed post at Garden of Words. Nikole is checking email, but not writing much on account of an IV in her hand -- so comments are read, welcomed and appreciated!

Continuous Unpredictability

This is the husband posting.

Nikole is fine. The baby is fine.

Last night, when we got home from our Infant CPR class, Nikole started bleeding -- heavily and red. She called her OB and we immediately headed for the hospital, figuring the doctor on call could chat with Nikole while we checked in. After all the warnings our high-risk doctor has given us about hemorrhaging, we correctly assumed waiting around for a return call was just stupid.

Long story short (since Nikole will probably provide the long version for you), they checked us into Labor & Delivery and threw a bunch of doctors and nurses into the mix. The bleeding slowed, then stopped. Bumble was squirming and kicking the whole time, and her heartbeat was clipping along at about 140BPM. By midnight, we sent our mothers home and tried to get some sleep.

It looks like we'll be in the hospital for the duration -- the outstanding question is how long the duration will be. We'll be at 33 weeks tomorrow, so we're hoping to hold out two or three more weeks. Tomorrow, we'll have an ultrasound with our high-risk doctor and go from there -- with a better sense of whether Bumble will arrive sooner or later.

She'll post more later.

34 days and counting

Wow. 34 days until Bumble is here. The countdown has begun.

Yesterday, we met with the perinatologist, followed by an appointment with my regular OB. The ultrasound showed that my placenta is still firmly in place above my cervix, and that it has continued to creep down deeper into the cervix. We asked about waiting until 37 weeks, and the perinatologist didn't really feel like this was an option. He talked about wanting to "prevent the wreck before it occurs." Apparently, with 6 quarts of blood pumping to my uterus a minute, along with no mechanism to stop bleeding from all of the blood vessels in my placenta, if I was to start to dilate, things could get disastrous very, very quickly.

So, a c-section it is.  The specialist we saw yesterday agreed with his colleague that getting little Bumble into the world as soon as possible is the best course of action, and he recommended an amnio at 36 weeks to check on Bumble's lungs. If all looks good, the c-section would be done the next day.

I left the ultrasound and headed over to one of the practice's other offices to meet with my regular OB, who will be performing the surgery. Because my pregnancy weeks fall on Fridays, we decided to wait and do the amnio just past 36 weeks. She did not want to do the amnio before 36 weeks because it is less likely that lung development will be complete. 36 weeks falls on Friday, April 18. We discussed doing the amnio then, but, because I need to check into labor and delivery to be monitored after the amnio, that would mean we would check in the hospital on Friday, check out on Saturday, and then check back in Monday morning before the surgery. It just seemed more seamless to do the amnio on Monday and to only have to check into the hospital once. Plus, I feel a little better knowing she will have a few extra days to cook.

So, that's that. We have a date.

I feel a bit more at peace with everything knowing the course of action. Over the past few weeks, I have started working through all of my feelings about having to birth this way. Along with the excitement and anticipation of knowing my daughter will be here soon, I've been experiencing a good bit of grief over how things are turning out. I know that the most important thing is that Bumble arrives safely and that I'm healthy too. And I know that this is really the only way to make that happen. So, I've been trying to focus on that aspect of things.

But I also know that I need to fully acknowledge and process the other feelings I'm having. I am truly grieving not being able to experience labor and push my daughter into the world. I feel like having a vaginal birth would have been very healing for me. After all of the medical interventions we've needed to get to where we are today, I feel like delivering vaginally would have one final, reaffirming act, helping me to further validate the strength of my body and spirit. I can't help but feel that I'm somehow being cheated. I'm a firm believer in the natural process of things, and I have all sorts of worries about bringing Bumble into the world so early, as well as missing out on the chemical and physical changes that would take place in both of us during the labor and birthing process. I just wanted this one last thing to go smoothly and naturally.

But really, I've started to consciously move myself away from these thoughts, where it would be quite easy to dwell. Instead, I'm focusing on the fact that my baby has grown in my belly for nearly 8 months and that in just one more, we'll get to bring her home with us. I'm focusing on the miracle that John and I have created another little person. I love her so much already that my heart aches trying to hold it all in. I'm focusing on the fact that she seems to be perfectly healthy and thriving despite my body's past attempts to derail me from experiencing motherhood. I'm learning to appreciate the gifts of the present moment instead of being attached to my beliefs of how things "should" be.

And I can't tell you how many times I've repeated to myself the words of my dear friend Nancy. Just the other night, we were processing all of this and she gently reminded me, "Nikole, you have been laboring for well over two years." And she's right.

I'm still toying with what to do with this weblog once Bumble is here. I imagine that I will continue to update it periodically, but that I will refocus my blogging efforts on another forum. I haven't been good at updating that space, but it is my intention to do so in the future. I'm really trying to be more mindful about slowing down, reflecting, and processing, and with a baby, I'm not sure that I'll be able to do justice to two spaces. And I have been better about doing this as of late - it's just that most of it has ended up in my private journal instead of here in cyberspace.

So that's it for now. More updates to follow.

 

tick-tock-tick-tock

The countdown has officially begun. It's looking like Bumble will be here in about 7 weeks. Wow.

We had a good appointment yesterday afternoon. We were expecting to see Dr. Love for our ultrasound, but he was off for the day, so we saw the other perinatologist instead. I really, really liked her - she was extremely thorough and talked us through each of the ultrasound images. While I know that both doctors are equally knowledgeable and capable, the doctor we saw yesterday was more verbal about her observations, and I really appreciated that.

So, here's the report:

My placenta hasn't moved much (if at all) since the last appointment two weeks ago. It's still completely covering my cervix and has actually attached itself down into the cervix some. The doctor is fairly certain (like 99.9%) that we're looking at a c-section. They also checked my cervix again, and it is actually .1 cm longer than it was two weeks ago. We'll proceed with ultrasounds every two weeks to monitor things. At our next appointment, they'll check my cervix, the baby's fluid, and my placenta. At the following appointment, they'll do additional measurements on little Bumble. The doctor explained that because of the risk of hemorrhage, they really want to avoid me going into labor or dilating at all. She thought that the best course of action would be to do an amnio at 36 weeks to check on Bumble's lung development. Because of the (slight) risk of starting labor or rupturing my bag of waters, we would stay overnight at the hospital following the procedure. If the test shows that Bumble's lungs are developed, they'll do the c-section the next day. If not, they'll wait until 37 weeks and do the c-section then.

Bumble is looking good. Her head is down by my right hip and I've been feeling lots of kicks in my ribs and pokes on my bladder and hips. I find it a bit funny that they were originally concerned about her being underweight, considering that Bumble weighs about 3 lbs, 5oz right now, putting her in the 75th - 80th percentile for weight for babies of her gestational age. I laughed out loud last night when my pregnancy ticker informed me that the baby has passed the 2 lb mark. All measurements showed that she's about a week ahead and her legs look to be long - which shouldn't be a surprise since her papa is 6'4".

So, for the most part, I'm feeling really good about things. A bit more frantic to get everything done, but also more at peace feeling like I know how we're going to proceed and that I can begin to make a plan to ensure that I have as much control over the birthing process as possible.

After waking up at 5:30 am this morning and not being able to fall asleep (thanks, puppy), I watched The Business of Being Born and sobbed just about through the whole thing. It really brought up a lot of emotion for me around what I always thought my birth would be like versus how things are turning out. I'm feeling too muddled to write about it now, but I know I'll be doing some serious journaling later.

Seven weeks, people. Seven weeks.

into the third trimester

Well, hello there.

I know, I know...it's been quiet around here. Thankfully, my husband is a much better blogger than me, and he's already posted an update.

Part of my quietness is due to the shock and grief I've been feeling over the losses Mary Ellen and Steve recently experienced. I really haven't had it in me to post. My heart aches for them and for their three little girls. I think of them daily and send love and light and hopes for peace in their direction.

And here I am, in the third trimester of my own pregnancy, finally starting to believe that this might really happen for us. I'm nearly 29 weeks now, and I feel Bumble (or TES - her "official" initials) nearly all of the time. I've started trying to actually imagine myself as a mother instead of just worrying about our endless list of tasks and to-do's that we hope to accomplish before she makes her entrance.

And...her entrance could be as soon as 8 weeks away (see below). Unbelievable.

We are now on a twice monthly ultrasound schedule. My last ultrasound was on Feb 15. Since neither John nor my mom could go with me to the appointment, John's mom agreed to accompany me. She was a real trooper when they unexpectedly whipped out the vag-cam to check on my cervix. Apparently, that needs to be monitored now too. If I recall correctly, my cervix shortened about .3 cm in two weeks, which seems like a lot. It still seems to be in normal range though, so Dr. Love didn't place me on an additional activity restriction (thank goodness!). My placenta seems to have migrated back over my cervix, so a c-section birth is looking even more likely. With the placenta previa, they want to make sure I do not start to dialate or go into labor on my own, which means we could be delivering as early as 37 weeks. So, we go back again on Thursday to see Dr. Love once again - we'll check on my placenta and cervix - and we'll find out how much little Bumble weighs at 29 weeks.

At my last appointment, I took (and passed) the glucose test and was checked for anemia. The results showed that I'm pretty severely anemic. This probably explains the severe fatigue I've been experiencing for the past week or so, along with the heart palpitations and dizziness. Fatigue doesn't even really seem to come close to describing what it has felt like though. I am MUCH more tired than I ever was during the 1st trimester, and when it hits me, I need to sleep that very second, so watch out. For the past week, I feel like I've been asleep more than I've been awake, including last night where I rested for 12 1/2 hours!  So, I've started on supplements, and I do seem to be feeling a bit better, as long as I don't overdo it.

My crazy muscle issues seem to be getting much worse since arriving in the third trimester, so I'm looking into a referral to a neuromuscular specialist to confirm my diagnosis and to see if there is anything I can do to help. The stiffness used to be most pronounced in my legs, but lately, it feels just as prominent in my torso, neck, arms, hands, and feet. It's making it pretty tough to do much, including working on jewelry, which I have completely stopped for now.

But enough about that.

There have been big changes happening in the Sarvay household. John and I are are finally trying to tackle a zillion projects we've been meaning to do for the past couple of years. Our house is looking pretty different these days, at least to me. We've moved out a ton of furniture, installed ceiling fans in our bedroom and the nursery, updated towel racks in my bathroom, totally reorganized my studio, and put together a nursery. (Please note that when I say "we," I really mean John or the guy we've hired to help us with the things we're smart enough to not do ourselves. I really can't take credit for much besides the organizing and scheduling). If you'd like to check out the changes, you can look at my flickr page. I haven't put the most recent photos up, but I'm hoping to do that today. And, I chopped off all of my hair (but there aren't any real updated pictures of that on the flickr page). Be warned - there are pictures of my ginormous belly living there too.

It's a good thing my energy seems to be coming back, because our dear friend Angie sent us home with our entire jeep loaded with baby clothes and gear. I'm going to need some serious stamina to sort through everything. Throughout this pregnancy, I have been completely amazed and overwhelmed by the generosity of friends and family - maternity clothes and gifts and items saved from their own children - not to mention the continuing love, support, and hope that have helped to get us through the most stressful of times. My heart is filled with love and gratitude, and I really can't thank you enough.

Well, this post has taken me long enough to type that, in spite of my 12+ hours of sleep last night, I'm feeling the need for a nap...

on edge

The past couple of weeks or so have been pretty rough.

I've been struggling with generalized anxiety that I can't really pin down to anything specific. I'm feeling anxious about pretty much everything - Bumble, my seemingly endless to-do list, our new bedspread - you name it, and I'll find something to worry about. Every possible scenario of things that could go wrong has run through my head. As best I can figure out, it started just before the baby was technically "viable" and has continued, although it has gotten a bit better in the past few days. Another possible trigger is that we have actually started to buy things for the Bumble - her crib and a rocker for the room. It is both quite exciting and terrifying to start thinking about bringing this tiny baby girl home with us.

To make matters worse, last Wednesday night, I started having really bad cramping which moved into contractions that were measuring about 7-9 minutes apart. I called the doctor on call and it took her TWO HOURS to call me back. By then, the cramping had pretty much subsided, but she told us what to watch for, what to do if they continued, and a few things to try that may help.

So, needless to say, that episode didn't really help with the anxiety. And then John started feeling it too. The two of us were pretty much a mess until our appointment with Dr. Love on Friday afternoon. We had an ultrasound and then regular appointment with our OB. The good news is that Bumble looks great, is measuring right on track, and seems to be growing and gaining weight as expected. It doesn't look like I've had any new bleeds and my placenta has moved off to the side a bit, leaving me with partial placentia previa - an improvement from the complete previa we saw at our last ultrasound.

Dr. Love was concerned about the cramping episode, and he thinks that my uterus may be irritable from the previous bleeding. He advised me to take it easy and to stay off my feet as much as possible. So, we'll give that a try and see if it helps things. We go back in two weeks for another ultrasound to make sure that the cramping isn't causing my cervix to shorten or to start to funnel.

At this point, it's still unclear whether or not I'll need a c-section. It's a little frustrating to not know for sure, but for now, I'm just going to plan for a vaginal birth and hope for the best. Our OB said that by 32 weeks, they should have a pretty good idea as to which way Bumble will enter the world.

So, overall, Friday's good report has eased my nerves some. I've been thinking a lot about what I can do to reduce stress and focus on the miracle of the little life growing inside of me. I've closed down my little etsy shop for now - and maybe until after little Bumble is here. I'm trying to chisel down the to-do list to what is really important and to break that list down into even smaller, more manageable bits.

Although when I feel all spun up, it goes against every fiber of my being to slow down and sit with my muddled emotions, I really want to make a more conscious effort to slow down and find some quiet time for reflection each day. I haven't done nearly enough of this during my pregnancy. Part of it has simply been out of self-preservation.  I've been concerned that if I really stop to process everything happening inside my body, I'll be swallowed by fear and anxiety - terrified that we'll lose this baby too.

But now it feels like it's time to center my heart around possibilities instead of fears. It seems like the right time to reclaim hope. It feels right to begin to prepare myself for the arrival of our daughter.

the diagnosis

I finally have an answer to the mystery of my muscle stiffness.

Yesterday, my neurologist diagnosed me with myotonia congenita, an inherited neuromuscular disorder. From his initial examination and analysis of my symptoms, he believes that I have Becker's Disease, which is one of two manifestations of myotonia congenita. This form of the disease sets in later in childhood or adolescence and tends to cause more pronounced symptoms. It is common for symptoms to be exaggerated during pregnancy, which is what I am experiencing. Cold, stress, and high-potassium foods can also cause symptoms to worsen.

Mostly, I feel good about finally having an explanation for what is going on. But I also feel a little freaked out about it. I'm anxious to talk to my OB and our perinatologist about how this may affect the rest of my pregnancy and delivery. While this condition has been an annoyance for the past 10 plus years, these days, it feels pretty limiting. And I worry that it won't resolve itself after the pregnancy and that it may impact my ability to care for my daughter. I've done a little bit of research and it seems that there can also be some complications during delivery. But I'm trying not to get too far ahead of myself and to simply focus on how it is affecting me right now.

I think part of my anxiety about it is that until recently, I really thought that it was due to something in my diet or exercise routine. I always thought that if I figured out what was causing it, I could resolve the problem. So, now it feels a little more scary to me. But hopefully, things will go back to my pre-pregnancy state once Bumble is here. One day at a time, right?

But Bumble seems to be doing well. In fact, she's bumping around in my belly right now. Which is quite possibly the most amazing thing I've ever experienced.

23 weeks

I've been a bad blogger, I know. I apologize.

Things are fairly good here in babylust land.

Here's the short story on Bumble:

We had our 2nd ultrasound with Dr. Love, our perinatologist, on January 4. Bumble looks great - she was measuring a week ahead, weighed 15 ounces, and was in the 72nd percentile for weight for babies of her gestational age. I still have complete placenta previa, and Dr. Love pointed out a big patch of blood, but we aren't clear whether or not it was a new bleed or something older. The good news is that the bleeding doesn't appear to be affecting Bumble's growth, and we were all pleased with that. When we asked Dr. Love what he thought our chances were of the placenta moving, he didn't think they were good. I asked a midwife friend about this and she said that the placenta is more likely to move if it is a marginal or partial previa, and less likely to move if it is complete. So, again, we look like we're moving in the direction of a c-section.

We had another OB appointment today, and everything still looks good. Our OB will perform the c-section, and she said that they usually schedule them about 2 weeks before the estimated due date, assuming that I don't have any further complications and that we don't have to deliver earlier. So, that means that Bumble with be coming home with us in approximately 3 1/2 months. Three and a half months!

I've been feeling Bumble move on a regular basis. This pregnancy has given me terrible insomnia, so I'm generally awake between 12 am and 2 am, when she seems to be the most active. I've even started to see my belly move sometimes when she kicks. I am also more aware of her kicking other places besides my belly - my bladder, in particular. My belly has popped out even more in the past week. I already feel huge and I can't imagine how ginormous I'll feel in the upcoming months.

The biggest complication I've been having is my muscle stiffness, which seems to be getting progressively worse. It even caused me to fall two weeks ago. Thankfully, I fell on my backside, which has a little more padding these days, thanks to the 10 pounds I've put on in the past month. Anyhow, the fall really freaked me out and I scheduled an appointment to see my primary care doctor. She was very concerned about the situation and got me an appointment with a neurologist - which I'll be going to tomorrow. I was thankful that she was able to get me in so quickly. It doesn't seem to be affecting the pregnancy in any way, it's just making me even more clumsy, much to my husband's dismay. I have to be really careful when getting up from a seated or squatting position, and I have to move really, really slowly as to not trip or lose my balance. Hopefully, we'll have some answers on that soon.

I've been doing a ton of research on baby products and I think we have most things figured out. I'm excited to cloth diaper, even though people keep telling John that I'm crazy for wanting to do it. We've picked out several things for the nursery, and we'll be ordering those soon. I'm most definitely in a nesting mode and I feel anxious to get the baby's room all set in case I have to go on bedrest or in case she comes even earlier than we think.

I also realized that I'm having a tremendous amount of anxiety that I seem to be channeling into research, nesting, and trying to tackle the list of projects John and I want to complete before Bumble is here. My biggest fear is that Bumble will come early - too early - and that we'll lose her after coming this far. I think the anxiety is fueled because we're still a few weeks before she could really have a good chance of making it, and that makes me very, very nervous. I also think that preparing to buy some things for her - her crib and mattress - brings up so many emotions for me. It's hard to believe that we're only a few short months from bringing our daughter home.

I have much more to say, but I'm out of energy for the night. I've come down with my second cold in a month, and I'm just about out of energy for now. I have at least a dozen posts floating around in my head about various things that I've been thinking about and working through, and I will try to be more disciplined about typing it all out.

Tomorrow, my mom and I head to North Carolina for a shower to celebrate my sister-in-law and their baby boy, who is expected in early March. I am beyond thrilled that Bumble will be so close in age to his cousin. Let's just hope they get along better than my brother and I did when we were coming along.

Thanks to all of you for your love and support and concern - and for the hope that you help me hold onto. It means the world to me.

fast forward

The past few weeks have been an absolute blur. Given how the first 15 weeks or so seemed to creep by at a snail's pace, I'm a little stunned with how quickly these recent days have gone by. It's hard to believe that at nearly 20 weeks, I'm just about halfway through this pregnancy.

But throughout the blur, things have been going well. The weeks before the holidays kept me running at a frantic pace, trying to keep up with preparations for my last two shows of the year, as well as the online etsy orders streaming in. The week before Christmas, I came down with an AWFUL cold. And let me tell you, being sick and pregnant is no picnic. I'm thankful to be on the tail end of that.

John and I were talking the other night about how surreal this whole year has been for me - leaving my full-time job, not really having a clue as to what was ahead for me - and ending up very pregnant and very pleased (and stunned!) about where this year has taken me. I am so grateful to everyone who has made it all possible - my family (and most especially my husband), friends, my coach, this remarkable online network, and of course all of the people who have made my business such a success by supporting my work. It's almost too overwhelming for me to take in.

As far as I can tell, little Bumble is doing just fine. I've started to feel her pretty regularly now, and it's quite an odd feeling at times. I feel lots of pokes and kicks - all the way from my cervix to up above my belly button. Sometimes it just feels like she's doing somersaults in there. Some days I feel her all throughout the day and other days I only feel her once or twice. John generally knows when this is happening because I seem to burst into uncontrollable giggles. I am completely amazed by this little life growing inside of me, and I can hardly believe that this is actually happening for us.

I have been trying my best to take it easy. We had a little scare two weekends ago. On Saturday morning, I had a bit of heavier bleeding and spotting, and I had been having a significant amount of cramping the night before. I called my OB's office and luckily, my OB was on call. We talked for about 20 minutes and she thought that everything was fine - that the old bleed was just resolving itself. John and I went in the next day and everything looked good - and the doppler picked up on Bumble's heartbeat right away. I sort of get the sense that she doesn't like it though, as I got several kicks while we were listening, and it sounded like she was trying to move away from the doppler. We have our next appointment with the specialist next Friday (1/4). I'm excited to see little Bumble again and to see what's happening with my placenta.

John and I have started talking about names, looking at furniture, and thinking about what we need to do to get ready for Bumble to come home with us. We're working on getting the nursery all cleaned out and ready and I've got a list of things I would like to research. I can't believe that  there's only 4 1/2 months until she's expected. I still worry about all of the things the could go wrong, but each time I feel her swimming around in my belly, I'm filled with hope and so incredibly grateful for the chance to bring her home with us. And, for now, that's enough.