babylust

all is okay - mostly

Thanks to all of your for checking in on me and for your words of support and encouragement.  I'm exhausted from being awake since 4 am, so I'll give you the down and dirty and try to come back later to write about how I'm feeling.

Most importantly, the baby is fine. I think the word "perfect" might have even been used. Bumble is measuring right on track - measurements showed growth measuring anywhere from 16w5d to 17w4d. And Bumble already weighs 6 whole ounces! The specialist said that the skull, spine, and facial structure all look perfectly normal and that everything else looked good too. He'll want to take another look at the heart at 21 weeks, but only because it is too early to get the best view.

The not so good news is that I have placenta previa and a significant bleed in my placenta. Because this puts me at risk for a low-birth weight baby and pre-term delivery, I'll now be monitored by ultrasound every 4 weeks to check on Bumble's growth, the position of the placenta, and any change in the bleeding. He advised me to take it easy and to limit my lifting and bending as much as possible. Bumble is currently breech, although I know that can change. He advised that if my placenta stays where it is, I'm looking at a c-section delivery.

Despite the anxiety that John and I felt this morning, I'm really glad that I had the test done. If I hadn't we might not have found out for another couple of weeks, and now I know that I really need to be careful with my movements and activity. This is especially important considering that I have a show coming up this weekend and that I've been completely obsessed with cleaning over the past week.

I am grateful for the attention that our OB's office has shown us and for how this whole situation was handled. I'm so happy that I'll be monitored extra-closely to watch for any additional problems. John and I both appreciated how detailed and thorough the specialist was in explaining what is happening. I think we're both happy that things make sense - the spotting/bleeding - the abnormal blood results (due to the bleed) - and that we have some answers instead of having to deal with unanswered questions.

Oh, and did I mention that Bumble is a GIRL? We're over the moon - we truly couldn't be happier.

abnormal quad screen results

Our OB just called. My quad screen results came back abnormal - my AFP level was mildly abnormal, which can indicate a defect in the baby's spine (spina bifida). We have an ultrasound scheduled this morning with a maternal fetal medicine specialist. She did say that the test has a high rate of false positives. I'm so incredibly scared right now.

Please send any prayers and positive energy you can spare our way.

quick update

I only have a moment, but I wanted to thank all of you for your kind comments and support. It really means the world to me (and to John).

We had our appointment this afternoon. Everything looks good! We heard Bumble's heartbeat, which was measuring in the 150-160's - AND we got to schedule our big ultrasound, set for December 21. We're quite excited! It was amazing how much faster the nurse could find the heartbeat and how much stronger it sounded in just two weeks.

We'll get the results of the quad screen by next Friday. The doctor also ordered a comprehensive metabolic panel due to some crazy muscle stiffness I've been experiencing throughout my body. It's the strangest thing - when I start to move, my muscles stiffen up for a bit before I'm able to move normally. It's most noticeable when I stand up or when I start going up stairs. My legs will stiffen up and I'm not able to easily bend them for several seconds. I have also noticed it in my neck, arms, and hands. Once I get going, I'm fine, but it's pretty annoying. I know I'm well hydrated, so that isn't it. Do any of you smarty-pants have any idea what this could be? Have you ever heard of anything like this?

Oh -  I should also mention that I used to get this in my legs, mostly when I was exercising a lot (like when I was training for a marathon), but it generally goes away when I'm not doing such intense activity or weight training. I've asked several doctors and my chiropractor about it and no one seems to have a clue what it could be. It has definitely been the most noticeable and significant during pregnancy though.

And I'm most definitely feeling Bumble move now. The most noticeable movements have been after eating a bit of very rich brownie - I guess the caffeine really got the kid going. But I'm also feeling more subtle movement after I eat or have juice, or when I lay down to take a rest.

I think we're off to a good start to the weekend.

********

edited to add - I did a little research, and what I'm experiencing seems an awful lot like this. Funny how I've tried to research this before but adding "pregnancy" into the search made it much easier to find information.

bits and pieces

I've been working on some ideas for a big post, trying to process what has been one of the most difficult parts of this pregnancy - slowing down and lowering my expectations for what I'm able to accomplish while working on the massive act of creation taking place inside my body. Today, however, I'm feeling fairly sick, exhausted, and entirely too scattered to compose my thoughts around that. Instead, I thought I'd offer some random bits and pieces of thoughts and emotions I've been experiencing.

I'm afraid that over the past two days I have tempted fate. I packed away all of my normal clothes except for the ones that I can still wear. My drawers and closet are now filled with maternity clothes. This afternoon, after realizing that I can no longer button any of my winter coats and jackets, I bought a maternity coat. It's super cute and from Tar*get, and it was on sale for less than $20. I thought it would be a less bulky option and one that I could wear on days that weren't freezing cold, but that still required a jacket that closes all the way. For extra-cold days, I do have an extremely warm cape-type coat that my mom gave me for Christmas last year.

So, even though I am most definitely showing and my normal clothes really don't fit at all, this all feels very risky for me. I keep thinking, "What if something goes wrong? What if our appointment on Friday shows that Bumble has stopped growing?" These along with a dozen other thoughts that I can't seem to stop from creeping into my head.

Over breakfast this morning, I was reading from the "Readers Write" section of The Sun Magazine. One of the pieces mentioned the Jewish custom of not bringing anything into the house until after the baby has safely arrived. It also mentioned that Jewish women do not typically have baby showers. This might be too much of a test of fate. These ideas were making a lot of sense to me.

I wonder if I'll ever really be able to relax into this pregnancy. I keep saying, "Once we make it to XX week, then I'll feel okay about things." Except I still haven't been able to really let my guard down.

I do work on this with intention each day. I remind myself that we never, ever really know what the future holds. And if for some reason, I don't have many more days to be pregnant, I want to know in my heart that I enjoyed every moment, that I appreciated the magnitude of what is happening inside of me, that I never held back on my love for Bumble. Because no matter how sick I have been or how anxious and frightened I have felt, the chance to bring Bumble home with us has all been worth it. Every single second.

moving along

I'm terribly behind on updates from the land of babylust. I fear that this post will be a tad disjointed, so please bear with me.

Things are good. I had a few days of feeling good last week - thankfully in time for the holiday and lots of good eating. Unfortunately, Bumble didn't get the memo that the holiday season is upon us, and Momma has much to do, because this week, "the sick" has returned. People keep telling me that it will end sometime - at least when the baby is born. I'm hoping that it will be over sooner rather than later. But in all honesty, the continuing battle with "the sick" does give me some comfort and confidence that things in there our going the way they should be.

Our last appointment was nearly two weeks ago - at 14 weeks - and we heard Bumble's little heart thumping away at 160 beats per minute. I'm most definitely sporting a noticeable pregnant belly now and my stomach no longer looks flat when I lay on my back (not that it was ever really flat - but the flat on the back position surely must be the most flattering for any belly). I guess what I'm trying to say is that there is a noticeable bulge below my belly button  when I'm on my back. I can feel my uterus most of the time, which is a very strange sensation indeed. I'm surprised at how uncomfortable I am already, and I'm not even that big yet.

I think I've started to feel Bumble move over the past couple of weeks, but it's nothing consistent, and I'm really not sure that's what is going on. But it is exciting to think that I will be feeling recognizable kicks sometime soon. And it's pretty unbelievable that I'm only 4 weeks away from being halfway through this pregnancy.

My mom spent the day with me today helping me to sort through three large bags and three huge tubs of maternity clothes passed along by family and friends. We sorted them into things I can wear now, things I may wear when the weather gets warmer, and things that I'll need once I'm ginormous. It took us all day long. And really, I hate to think about how long it would have taken me had I been going at it alone. I'm thankful that our bedroom is now in order and that I can see the floor again. My mom is amazing.

A friend generously passed along her nursing bras - size 36D. I'm already busting out of them. I'm afraid to know what size I'll be when I'm actually nursing. It's a scary thought.

We have an appointment on Friday at 16 weeks. We'll check the heartbeat, have my blood drawn for the quad screen and we'll schedule our big ultrasound. And we are most definitely finding out the sex of the baby. We can hardly wait!

whosh-whosh-whosh

We heard it!  Bumble's little heart was beating away at 160 beats per minute! I was pretty much freaking out while she pressed (hard) on my belly, searching for the heartbeat. And then she found it. Thankfully, it didn't take too long.

John and I are beyond thrilled. And relieved. And even starting to believe that we might really bring Bumble home with us in May.

I've been having a lot of round ligament pain, and I've also been feeling a lot of pinching and tugging in my cervix area. She checked me out and said that everything looks great. We go back in 3 weeks. Then we'll schedule our "big" ultrasound, where we'll find out the baby's sex - probably right around the end of the year. A couple of you have asked if we suspect one or the other. John seems certain that we're having a girl, and I go back and forth. Really, we'll be happy with either - we just want a healthy baby to bring home with us. 

I think our weekend is off to a good start!

riding the wave

Well, "the sick" is back. It started last night before dinner and it's not nearly as bad as it has been. But it's funny how a few days of feeling good makes feeling bad seem that much worse. I have so many things to do that I'm trying to just push on through, but I know I better not get too ambitious, at least for the next couple of weeks.

After this morning, I'm convinced that the pup must be part of a conspiracy to keep my morning sickness going. Midway through my breakfast, I thought I was going to lose it, so I ran to the bathroom just in case. I came back and my second eggo waffle and piece of chicken sausage were mysteriously missing, and Rilo smelled vaguely of syrup. I think it goes without saying that she's a happy little dog.

I did score some finds at Old Na*vy yesterday. It's a good thing that longer shirts and those that are fitted around the bust are in style because it made it pretty easy to find some things that will work for this transition period. Really, I think I'm past the point of just looking like I'm a little chubby and I'm well on my way to having a nice little bump. And honestly, this really freaks me out. I'm a little surprised to be quite so round at just 12 1/2 weeks. It feels like one thing to be so open about my pregnancy with friends and family and here on this weblog; it feels like something entirely different to have this little bump announcing to the whole world that I'm pregnant. It makes me feel quite vulnerable.

And yet, there's a big part of me that just wants to celebrate every moment of this pregnancy - to be proud about my little belly, to start planning and thinking about this baby becoming a reality.

We have an appointment on Friday. No ultrasound is scheduled, but we're hoping to hear Bumble's heartbeat on the doppler. Maybe then, at 13 weeks, I'll be able to finally relax a little. Maybe.

12w3d

I'm a slacker, I know. I apologize for not updating before now. Thank you for all of your comments and concern.

The spotting didn't stick around for very long, and I was so sick the following two days that I could hardly hold my head up.

Starting on Saturday, at 12 weeks, I have started to feel remarkably better. So much better that it has me worried that something has gone wrong. I do still struggle with the nausea, but it is so much better than it has been. I'm relieved to feel like a human being again.

I'm also desperately in need of some new clothes. I discovered this morning that I have exactly one long sleeved shirt and one sweater that fit over my little - but quickly growing - belly. And I have one pair of low-rise jeans that still fit. The other pants are staying up with the help of a knock-off be*lla band.

So, at 12w3d, I'm hoping I'm still pregnant. We have an appointment on Friday, and hopefully we will be able to hear the heartbeat on the doppler.

For now, I'm on a mission to find some clothes that fit.

not again!

The spotting is back - pretty much the same as last time - light brown and a really light flow. And it started about the same time of day, which is weird. Last time, it was at 8w1d, this time it's appearing at 11w4d.

I've been having a lot of strange sensations in my cervix, which I've read is not uncommon at this stage of pregnancy. And this afternoon, I've been feeling a lot of pressure in my pelvic region. Maybe it's from my jeans, which officially can no longer be buttoned - or really zipped for that matter.

Needless to say, I'll be calling the OB's office first thing in the morning.

Otherwise, things are about the same. I had a terrible week with "the sick" last week, but this week, I seem to be feeling okay for a few hours in the morning. Hopefully, that means I'm turning a corner. And hopefully, my continuing to be sick is a good sign.

At least John isn't out of town this time.

Until tomorrow...

baby got moves

Our appointment today went well. Thankfully, our OB's office gets you in for an ultrasound first thing, so we didn't have to wait to long to see Bumble again.

We didn't see the heartbeat right away, but the ultrasound tech pointed it out fairly quickly. Tears of relief came to both my eyes and John's.

And then Bumble started moving. A lot. That kid was moving around so much - it's hard to believe I can't feel any of all of the kicks and jabs happening in there. I started laughing and I couldn't stop. I just couldn't believe that we had a real-live baby in there moving around, waving it's arms and legs like that. I think part of it was probably nervous tension too. But my giggling got a little out of control, so the tech had to move the screen so that I couldn't see what was going on to finish getting her measurements. John got to see the whole thing though. And we got to hear the heartbeat on the ultrasound machine. Wow.

Our OB was very pleased with everything and very excited to see us. She said the heartrate was good, the growth was good, and that everything looked perfect to her.

We've declined to have the NT scan done, where they measure the nuchal fold at the back of the baby's neck to check for Down syndrome. It wouldn't change anything for us, and would probably make me worry even more. She did encourage us to have the quad screen done at 16 weeks, a blood test which can help detect trisomies, spinal bifida, and problems with the placenta.

We go back in 2 weeks.

Maybe Bumble will get to come home with us after all.