First, let me thank all of you for all of your kind words, comments, emails, and support. I can really feel all of the energy of everyone helping to hold me up, helping me to hold onto hope. I'm needing a lot of help with the holding onto hope part these days. I feel so blessed to know there are so many people care enough about us to pause for a moment and send a message of care and concern.
Last week was such a busy week for me. I sold my jewelry at a local market on Tuesday and again on Saturday and Sunday, and when I wasn't selling, I was busy at home working on a writing project and trying to build up my inventory and catch up on online orders. It's a funny thing trying to run your own show. Before, I had no problem taking time off to let myself grieve and process what I was going through. I knew that things would keep moving if I wasn't there. But now, it's so much harder to do that.
The business certainly distracted me, and for a few days there, I really felt like I was doing okay. I didn't let myself stop long enough even begin to pay attention to what I'm feeling. What I did know was that I was in an awful mood. I have been angry and short-tempered and pessimistic and feeling in a funk all week. But still, I kept going.
On Sunday night, I received an email from a friend from high school. A group of us had been planning to get together for dinner on Monday night. She was writing to let me know that she is pregnant again, with her third child. She's experienced loss and struggle to have a family herself, and the two of us have talked quite a bit about how difficult all of this is. I was so thankful that she had let me know in advance so that I could make a decision about whether or not to go. I decided not to, and I really think it was for the best.
After reading her email, I burst into tears and sobbed uncontrollably for about 30 minutes. All of those feelings my business was hiding came rushing to the surface. I've felt like an emotional mess for the past 36 hours. So, I'm thankful that she spared me a painful evening, but also that her news brought all of these feelings to the surface. It's not the place I want to be, but I know that I need to work through all of this.
I'm feeling really scared. And hopeless. And angry that this is so hard for us. I've really started to feel like it's never going to happen. The question "what if we really can't have our own child?" has been running through my head non-stop. Even when I've been feeling hopeless over the past couple of years, I've never completely given up. But now I feel different. I have no idea how we would afford IVF, or how anyone affords it for that matter. I don't even know if that's a route that we would want to take. We've talked a tiny bit about adoption, but I think up until this point, we've been able to hold onto some sort of hope that it will work somehow.
John is much more positive and hopeful about all of this than I am. It's good that one of us is hopeful. I just can't seem to feel much hope right now.
Perhaps I'll feel better after we talk with our RE next week. We're going to ask about my ridiculously light periods (since using clomid at the beginning of the year), about more testing, about a sperm analysis. So far, outside of low progesterone, the tests have shown nothing that would be causing all of these losses. Nothing.
There's got to be something else, right? Something that could help explain all of this loss and pain, to help me make sense of it all?
I just feel so lost right now.