Today I’m feeling downright ornery. So far, I haven’t had a whole lot of outright anger or general pissiness while living the life of a miscarrying woman. Until today. I even considered running over a stubborn pigeon in the parking deck this morning. I didn’t actually do it. But the thought did cross my mind. Poor pigeon. Apparently my grief is not only making me cheerless and angry; it’s also making me a bit irrational.
Last week, I wrote about the general feeling of sadness that settled around me, just when I felt like I was getting back into the swing of things. Again, there’s nothing in particular that happened to trigger my foul mood, it just seemed to sweep down out of nowhere and grab hold of me. Whatever the reason, I now feel stuck.
I’ll take this opportunity to apologize to anyone who may cross my path today. I’m really a nice person. Really.
Here are some of the thoughts that have been racing through my brain:
I feel consumed with my grief and with figuring out where we go from here. I feel angry that I have to go to work, when I feel compelled to spend all of my time processing my grief, reading, researching, commiserating. I feel frustrated that virtually all I think about is pregnancy--getting pregnant, staying pregnant, miscarrying.
I feel paralyzed. I want to make some big changes in my life, and I feel like where I go from here depends on what may happen (or not) with getting and staying pregnant in the near future. I’m trying to make decisions based on something that has proven to be completely unpredictable and uncontrollable. What is one to do?
I feel guilty for not returning phone calls, for not wanting to participate in social engagements, for feeling so darn tired. I mean after all, life is hard. Not just mine—everyone goes through really hard times. But most people keep going. Why can’t I be one of those people who always have the energy for others, no matter what space they are in? I want to give back to everyone around me who has been loving, supportive, and compassionate. I think I’m starting to wonder why I can’t just get over it already.