This post was written last night, but I lost it all before I was able to post. I've tried to re-create it today.
My dear friend Nancy gave me this wonderful little rock nearly two years ago. It sits on my desk where it looks up at me every single day (until the bedrest, that is). It's been an important reminder for me - nudging me back into the present moment, helping me to not get too lost in worries of what the future does or doesn't hold.
I need my little rock now more than ever.
Last night, Nancy came over to bring us dinner and to keep me company while John went out to a meeting. We did a lot of talking about what would happen during the c-section, about how I was feeling, and about what I am afraid of. She helped me develop a list of affirmations that I can read and vocalize as I prepare for Bumble's birth. Here's what we came up with:
TES is healthy
I am safe
I am strong
My body is capable of birth
I will be safe in birth
TES will be safe in birth
We will meet TES
I trust my doctors
TES will arrive exactly when she needs to
TES is in the position she needs to be in
I am calm
John loves me
I am supported
TES is happy
This morning, my mom added another one:
Today, I was able to talk to our doctor and to get our questions answered. Mostly, we were concerned with how things would be handled in an emergency situation. I think at this point, we feel as confident as we can going into surgery on the 22nd, but we were worried about how things would go if we have to go in before then. What if our doctor wasn't on call? Would the responding OB be aware of our situation and the precautions that need to be taken? Would extra blood be available for me and the baby?
She assured me that all of the doctors in the practice had been thoroughly briefed about what they would face during the c-section, so there would be no surprises. The surgery should proceed exactly as it would on the 22nd. She told me that she has given all of the doctors instructions to call her cell phone if I should come in so that she can try to make it, if at all possible. If she can't be there, they have been instructed to call the perinatologist. Hopefully, one of them would be present for the c-section. She told me about the emergency blood supply that will be available to both me and the baby within two minutes. She assured me that this is not the most complicated surgery that she has performed, and that while this situation is uncommon, she has seen it before. She feels very confident that things will go smoothly considering we know what we're up against in advance.
I also asked her about the necessity of performing the amnio, considering that there is a real potential for it to trigger contractions, labor, and therefore, more bleeding. She felt like we should still proceed with the procedure, and if the results show that Bumble's lungs are not developed, I'll be admitted to the hospital, where we can hopefully stick it out for another week.
I asked her about the risks she had mentioned. She said that there is a very, very strong probability of me needing a transfusion, but that she felt pretty sure the other risks (like a hysterectomy) were not very likely - just things she had to mention.
I feel much more at peace after talking with her. I'm now trying to put the fear aside and focus on the excitement of welcoming our daughter into our lives. I'm trying to enjoy every moment of feeling Bumble wiggle and turn and push, making herself and her strength known. I look down at my belly, watching it change shape with her movements. I hope that when I place my hands on my belly, she can feel the warmth of my love, and that she can sense how happy I am to be her mother, and how much I believe in her.
I do want to send my deepest gratitude for all of the kind comments, messages, emails, and phone calls. It has helped tremendously to know that there is so much love and support surrounding us. Please forgive me if I'm a bit delayed in responding to calls or messages - I have been feeling extremely exhausted and overwhelmed. But I do want to thank you all again for everything - John and I can't imagine what it would be like to be going through this alone.
Can you believe my pregnancy ticker marks 35 weeks today? Can you believe that there's only 10 days (or less!) until we meet our daughter?