The past couple of weeks or so have been pretty rough.
I've been struggling with generalized anxiety that I can't really pin down to anything specific. I'm feeling anxious about pretty much everything - Bumble, my seemingly endless to-do list, our new bedspread - you name it, and I'll find something to worry about. Every possible scenario of things that could go wrong has run through my head. As best I can figure out, it started just before the baby was technically "viable" and has continued, although it has gotten a bit better in the past few days. Another possible trigger is that we have actually started to buy things for the Bumble - her crib and a rocker for the room. It is both quite exciting and terrifying to start thinking about bringing this tiny baby girl home with us.
To make matters worse, last Wednesday night, I started having really bad cramping which moved into contractions that were measuring about 7-9 minutes apart. I called the doctor on call and it took her TWO HOURS to call me back. By then, the cramping had pretty much subsided, but she told us what to watch for, what to do if they continued, and a few things to try that may help.
So, needless to say, that episode didn't really help with the anxiety. And then John started feeling it too. The two of us were pretty much a mess until our appointment with Dr. Love on Friday afternoon. We had an ultrasound and then regular appointment with our OB. The good news is that Bumble looks great, is measuring right on track, and seems to be growing and gaining weight as expected. It doesn't look like I've had any new bleeds and my placenta has moved off to the side a bit, leaving me with partial placentia previa - an improvement from the complete previa we saw at our last ultrasound.
Dr. Love was concerned about the cramping episode, and he thinks that my uterus may be irritable from the previous bleeding. He advised me to take it easy and to stay off my feet as much as possible. So, we'll give that a try and see if it helps things. We go back in two weeks for another ultrasound to make sure that the cramping isn't causing my cervix to shorten or to start to funnel.
At this point, it's still unclear whether or not I'll need a c-section. It's a little frustrating to not know for sure, but for now, I'm just going to plan for a vaginal birth and hope for the best. Our OB said that by 32 weeks, they should have a pretty good idea as to which way Bumble will enter the world.
So, overall, Friday's good report has eased my nerves some. I've been thinking a lot about what I can do to reduce stress and focus on the miracle of the little life growing inside of me. I've closed down my little etsy shop for now - and maybe until after little Bumble is here. I'm trying to chisel down the to-do list to what is really important and to break that list down into even smaller, more manageable bits.
Although when I feel all spun up, it goes against every fiber of my being to slow down and sit with my muddled emotions, I really want to make a more conscious effort to slow down and find some quiet time for reflection each day. I haven't done nearly enough of this during my pregnancy. Part of it has simply been out of self-preservation. I've been concerned that if I really stop to process everything happening inside my body, I'll be swallowed by fear and anxiety - terrified that we'll lose this baby too.
But now it feels like it's time to center my heart around possibilities instead of fears. It seems like the right time to reclaim hope. It feels right to begin to prepare myself for the arrival of our daughter.