I know it's been forever since I've posted. Thank you to everyone who has checked in on me to make sure I'm doing okay.
John and I went for our first ultrasound this past Monday, May 15, and things were looking good. The RE thought that I was a day or two earlier than I thought, based on my ovulation kits, which put me at around 5w6d for our Monday appt. He said that this would be too early to see the baby's heartbeat, which is usually visible between 6 and 7 weeks. The ultrasound showed a sac, yolk sac, and a couple of white lines, one of which he thought was the fetal pole. The RE said that everything looked good for a pregnancy just under 6 weeks, and advised that we should come back in after a week for another ultrasound. John and I made the appointment for next Friday, May 26. At this point, I will be 7w3d, and if we don't see the heartbeat at that time, we can be pretty sure that the pregnancy is not viable. I didn't want to go back earlier and not see the heartbeat and hear the doctor say that it may still be too early. To me, that sounds like a good recipie for a nervous breakdown. So we wait.
Now I'm struggling with the wait. There are 11 days between our first and second ultrasound. They seem to be the longest days of my life. We've gotten through 4 long, slow days. It's amazing how one can be so busy, yet the time go by so slowly. I know that I don't want to go in before next Friday. We made a good, logical decision about when to go in. I just feel like I'm in limbo right now.
Physically, I'm feeling pretty good. A few times, strong waves of nausea have crept in, but mostly, the morning sickness (or all day sickness, which is the description of some pregnant women I know) has stayed away. I feel a little queasy if I go too long without eating, but that's not really anything new for me. I generally eat something every few hours or so for this very reason. Maybe those habits have helped keep some of the nausea away, who knows? I do get an icky feeling in my stomach after I eat, and nothing really appeals to me (except Arby's chicken fingers, graham crackers, and peanut butter, though not all together). Some days, I'm really tired, and I can barely keep my eyes open through the work day. On these days, I collapse into bed for a nap as soon as I can make it from the car to the bedroom. But again, most days, I have felt okay. I am having some breast tenderness, but not nearly as badly as I had expected, and like everything else, this comes and goes too. Earlier this week, I was having lots of achiness in my lower back, hips, and legs, even down to my knees. This returned briefly last night, but had disappeared by this morning. Some days, I feel like I'm heading to the bathroom to pee every 15 minutes, and other days, I feel it's no more than usual. I have been waking up once in the night to pee, which is something different. I'm usually pretty thirsty. I've been feeling some twinges in my uterus area, and I sometimes feel some pulling and stretching, and an awareness that something is going on down there. Mostly this happens when John and I go for a walk, or when I bend over, or when I roll over in bed. And I've been having really crazy dreams, all of them related to being pregnant.
The best news for me is that I'm not having any spotting. I've never had a pregnancy without spotting, so I'm taking this as a good sign. I do worry about having a missed miscarriage (scroll down on the page for the explanation). Ornery posted something about this recently, and I really identified with what she said: "But a missed miscarriage gives you the added bonus of feeling like your body is either too stupid to realize what’s happened, or that your body is a vindictive little bitch that takes great joy in fucking with your mind." I really couldn't say it any better than she did. It's precisely how I feel.
I do worry about not having more "symptoms." I know plenty of women who have had very easy pregnancies, with little nausea, only some tiredness, and really, not too many signals that they're carrying another life inside of them. It's not that I want to not feel well, but after three miscarriages, I'd like a little constant reassurance that things are still going the way they should be.
I struggle with the balance between needing information and just wanting to trust the process. I find that when I do have information, I worry myself sick about it. This is part of my recent avoidance of this weblog and reading the sites of other women I'm rooting for. I just can't help but compare myself to everyone else. My hormone levels aren't as high, I'm not having many symptoms, I didn't hear the heartbeat, or see a definite fetal pole. It's just not good for me.
I've been feeling strangely calm since our appointment on Monday. I think that part of me really thinks that everything will be okay. I also know that things are really out of my hands, and that I'm doing everything that I possibly can to help this pregnancy continue. I think part of me is a little in denial that this might actually be happening. I think that avoiding the search for information has really helped.
I'm trying to stay present and enjoy every moment that I'm pregnant.
January seems so far away. Hey, when next Friday feels like an eternity away, what can I expect?